Weekly meeting with Sponsor:
Agreement #1
Sponsor: You’re on a slippery slope. I’m worried about you.
Me: Me too.
Agreement #2
Me: My give-a-damn’s busted.
Sponsor: I see that. You’re not following direction.
Agreement #3
Me: I just don’t want to. I feel like a child.
Sponsor: You’re acting like a child.
Agreement #4
Sponsor: Not working isn’t helping. You’re going to have to suck it up and accept that you need to “be new” in a different area if you expect to make a living.
Me: I know and it scares the crap outta me.
It was only an hour long meeting, but Sponsor asked some really tough questions. For which I had no answers. At least none that I was willing to bring to my conscious thought. I felt like I was at day 1 all over again. We talked about my idle time. I don’t do well without structure. (Shocking!) We talked about my level of involvement in life, in general. My absolute apathy. She thinks while the unemployment is certainly an issue, it may be time to consider anti-depressants again. Sigh. I really don’t want to even think about going down that road—again. So, based on our Four Agreements, we came up with an outline for change. To reevaluate and adjust as necessary.
End result:
More meetings. (Specifically the Women’s meeting I did NOT go to on Monday.)
Call her every day.
We’re starting the book over next week.
Pursue, in earnest, 2 different areas of expertise in my career field and report back to her.
Hit my knees more often than I have…specifically…DOUBLE UP at least.
So far, I’m making good. I went to a new meeting at the church up the road from where I live. Literally took me 2 minutes to get there. It was a small meeting, older crowd. My insides must have been showing on the outside, because a woman came up, introduced herself, and asked if I was new. Well, hell…I feel like it.
It was nice to sit in a meeting feeling new and knowing no one. I was able to focus on the reason I was there, and really listen to the speaker. (Lo and behold, he was from Chicago. Can it get any stranger than that? I mean, I instantly felt “at home”.) He talked about wearing life like a loose fitting garment and how that relates to his 12th Step work. I found myself sharing his view and reevaluating a few interactions I’ve had with newcomers or returnees that were less than, um, encouraging (?). Both for them and for me and my primary purpose. I did a Google search on "wearing life like a loose fitting garment". I came up with quite an array of things. But I was also led to Irish Friend of Bill's post and really kinda dig it.
I’d like to say that after the events of the day that I have a new attitude and that things are going to start changing. I am going to start changing. Well, yeah…I’ve been here before. Truth is, I’ve got to get back to the basics.
I can’t. Someone else can. I guess I’ll let Him. Simple…1, 2, 3.
And now it’s time to hit my knees. Again.
Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.
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Good list :) and glad you liked the loose garment thing :) I loved it too ever since I heard it shared in my home group when I was a newcomer.. :)
ReplyDeleteI normally ? prescribe for unemployed before step 9
daily meeting. preferably morning or lunch
try to help a newcomer at every meeting
phone a newcomer every day for 5 mins. ideally morning.
phone sponsor for 5 mins (ideally morning) to check in mon to fri
do jobsearch activity after the meeting
Why not ask around in aa for feedback re job situation? Perhaps you will find someone who has thought of a clever retraining ploy or ? whatever. Basically tap into the VAST pool of experience available to you in AA meetings. Just ask around, very briefly, and see what people say. Doesn't have to be a life story. You can summarize your predicament into a 20sec sentence if you are smart. You will be surprised who knows what! No harm in asking.. :)
As for 'slippery' ? I wouldn't know as I don't know what steps you have or haven't done, or whether you relapsed every week for years before getting sober in 2007. But yes, risk of drinking varies from person to person, but all are much more at risk before completing step 9.
If ? you are at risk of relapsing, the most effective insurance against relapse is helping newcomers/people newer than you. Its a shame your sponsor forgot to mention that. Or else she did and you didn't mention it here ?
'Practical experience shows that NOTHING will so much insure immunity from drinking as INTENSIVE work with other alcoholics.' p89
'For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead.' p14 (such as being unexpectedly unemployed in a shrinking job market)
'OUR VERY LIVES, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our CONSTANT thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.' p20
'Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery.' p97
Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is in same spot. Out of work 1yr+. Things in storage. Lost San Diego Condo. Living with us. She's back to basics and a daily routine. I admire her attitude of "loose garment", one day at a time and it'll work out. especially on the days she's down.
Hang in.
Jim
Ah, sponsorship. It is a mutual decision that I not sponsor right now, for a couple of reasons. (Apparently very good ones, given my state of mind as of late! Though it's hard to know which came first, much like the chicken and the egg.) However, you are exactly on target...I could be working more with newcomers in a different way. Maybe what I'm doing now just isn't enough.
ReplyDeleteThank you both for the feedback. It's truly appreciated.