Peculiar mental twist. Mental obsession. Abnormal thinking. Bill W. had various ways of describing it. I will not argue. I was squarely in its grip this afternoon.
The day was uneventful. I slept fairly well last night. Fell into my morning routine with ease. Ran a few errands. Then came home.
I was sitting on the balcony, thoroughly enjoying relaxing in the sun when the thought occurred to me how wonderfully perfect it would be to enjoy a drink before heading to my evening support group. In my mind I pictured a Czech Crystal tumbler, half full of ice, with a sparkling, dark amber liquid lazily caressing the cubes. I even closed my eyes. I could smell the heady oak.
My eyes came open and I heard my sponsor’s voice urging me to think it through to the end.
I imagined which liquor store I would visit. Which bottle I would choose. The selection of glassware. The clink of the ice chunks as they hit the glass. The splitting sound of the seal. The crackling of the ice under the stream of scotch. How much…1 shot or 2? The sting against my tongue and throat. The warmth as it reached my blood stream. The feeling of relief.
I pushed thoughts any further than this out of my mind, always returning to the sparkling liquid and the floating feeling I was after. I tried for several minutes to conjure up the consequences. They seemed to noisily fly and twist through my brain. Unrecognizable, black, and ugly. I could not wrap my brain around a single one. The seduction of the drink kept interrupting me. The romance was much more powerful than the reality.
I felt myself rising from the chaise headed for my purse and car keys, no doubt to pursue the object of my desire, when I heard the phone ring.
Firstborn.
As I stared blankly at the caller ID, I turned my face to the blinding sun and whispered, “Thank You”. Then I closed my eyes to watch, in my mind’s eye, the glass fall from my hand and shatter against the floor. I heaved a sigh of relief. Better the glass and the illusion than me.
Now..."What's up Buttercup?"
She is as God-sent today as she was 21 years ago.
Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.
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:)
ReplyDeleteGod will send angels. He doesn't have to do the job Himself sometimes ;)
~Silver
This I've learned in the program.
ReplyDeleteMy HP is always with me;doesn't speak down to me but to me through another human being.
May you have many more spiritual experiences.
Jim
Thank you both. This was a tough one.
ReplyDeleteI could picture it all with you. Interesting, about the consequences, not being able to wrap your brain around them.
ReplyDeleteI've been sober 15 months and there are times that I can't believe the things I used to do. I, too, am different, in the same packaging.
Love this!
Yep, different but the same. It frightens me sometimes how quickly the old thinking can creep in.
ReplyDelete