Reading is fundamental.

Tax day always brings anxiety. Throughout my married life, taxes were complicated. My wasbeen was self-employed, we owned rental property, and we had many deductions and nuances to our forms. I always let him prepare the taxes and he would end up waiting in line at the post office at midnight to have them postmarked appropriately. Glad those days are over. Nevertheless, as an alcoholic, I’ve done the unthinkable in the recent past, at least for a responsible adult. I’m taking action to correct that, and today, I placed those 2 envelopes in the postal worker’s hands. Go me! It’s at least a start.

It got me thinking about my school days and how much I hated math. I didn’t find much of it very practical. That is until I got into college classes for my chosen profession and realized how vital one simple formula would be for the rest of my career. And I just couldn’t get it. I spent hours one evening at my ex-boyfriend’s brother's house while he tried many ways to bring an understanding of this basic concept to me. I cried. And I ranted. And then he said: “breathe”. And I did. And then I got it. I wish he’d have been there throughout my entire school experience. His non-judgmental attitude and calming influence would have been helpful.

I was a mediocre student. Much of it was because I was lazy and a procrastinator. But a lot of it was because I hated reading. In grade school I had many humiliating experiences of attempting to read aloud as each student took a paragraph in the lesson. I stumbled over words and stuttered. The laughter was deafening. It made me shy away from studying the chapters necessary to pass the tests. This carried over to standardized tests. I always scored lowest in reading comprehension.

I felt shunned, belittled, ostracized by my classmates. And it definitely kept me from seeking out the company of those that laughed at me. I certainly didn't belong in their exclusive club.

I find that funny today. I’ve learned that most of those kids who had fun at my expense were hiding their own character defects. I'm grateful I've been able to uncover my shortcomings and that I get the opportunity to work to correct them. And I'm grateful that on occassion, I get to see my own faults in others, recognize how ugly they are, and step up my efforts to progress in my own recovery. Hopefully not at their expense.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.