Most of the time after I talk to my children, I am happy and encouraged. Not so tonight. My conversation with my baby girl seemed to punctuate every failure that I’ve tried desperately to reconcile in my heart.
Her life hasn’t been easy over the past 5 years and continues to this day. A lot of that has come from me. The financial stress, the loss of the family unit, the devastation having an alcoholic mother can cause. The “if only” and “what if” self-castigation has begun and is giving way to self-loathing.
I’m angry. Angry at myself. Angry at my wasbeen. And angry at this disease.
I want to shove it down and ignore it.
I want to make it right.
I can’t. And I can’t.
I feel like crap right now. My thoughts are scattered. I can’t think. The only thought I can put my finger on is that as bad as I feel right now, it isn’t enough.
I can’t change what happened. I can’t take away the pain. And I’m tired of feeling like an outsider in my children’s lives.
I miss them terribly. And I just don’t see how this will ever change. Not that I deserve anything better.
Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.
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Well yes it is very tough to 'survey the wreckage of the past'. No doubt about that. We wear the consequences of yesterdays actions, and it is often not a pretty sight.
ReplyDeleteBut the OTT self punishing thing? well yes I identify with that. Not sure why we do it? So like if we punish ourselves hard enough, 'God' will think we are 'sorry' and might make it all better? Gawd knows. More thrashing around. More drama. It doesn't get us out of the hole any faster.
Peace of mind will allow the healing to take place. The thrashing about has to stop so that the acceptance can move in and do its work.
"We have quit fighting EVERYTHING, even alcohol" p84 and 103
So there is no need to fight with the past, or your mistakes, or the feelings that arise as a result of either of those.
'Everything is teaching us' as Ajahn Chah says. We are not bad people getting good. We are sick people getting well.
Doesn't say 'Except for Julianne'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-ipH9Ws-zs&feature=player_embedded
Here is a nice tune for no particular reason :)
I used to fight the feelings, just as you say. Last night I allowed myself to cry and be angry. It was cathartic. But today is a new day and it doesn't do me any good to sit in it much longer.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughts. It's always a comfort to know others have had the same experience.
And, hey...you've given my brain something else on which to focus. That tune is playing over and over. Not sure of the long term effects yet... :-)
I pray for peace for you today. I know that God will restore and strengthen your relationships when He knows the time is right for you and your children. I have seen it happen so many times. It is so hard to be patient and have faith. A lot of times I don't want to be patient and have faith, but my sponsor reminds me that I don't have to want to do it. I hate it when she says that! But, it is so true.
ReplyDeleteMany blessings,
Marie
Through talking with my sponsor about this, I have a different perspective and it's quite a revelation to me. By talking to me about these things last night, my daughter is feeling safe and trusting towards me. It wasn't that long ago she would have nothing to do with me. It must have been very difficult for her to express her anger. Progress!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Marie.
.... :)
ReplyDeleteSometimes.. it takes a lot of prayers and patience to wait for things to turn around. Have faith that it will, Julliane. Meanwhile, keep loving them.. love does wonders even if the results are not immediately obvious.
Sweet thoughts,
~Silver
When I re-read what I posted, I realize what a loving and compassionate support system I have here. I was feeling very raw and vulnerable. Your encouragement is something for which I am tremendously grateful.
ReplyDelete