You can't always get what you want.

I went to my former, almost-roommate's apartment this morning to pick up a piece of mail. (I had changed my address, a little prematurely, and apparently the correction hasn't taken effect yet.) Being the trusting person he is, he messaged me that the key would be available in our pre-arranged location. In hindsight, I should have returned his message to let him know that I was on my way over. (Character defects can sneak up and smack you at the oddest times.) Instead, I arrived, unannounced. Upon entering the apartment, I heard his voice, then saw he was talking on the phone. His distress was obvious, as this kind, gentle man wears his emotions on his sleeve.

Through our brief association, I have come to adore him. We've bonded over CMA chips (of which I am not a fan...early recover story to follow someday), lumpia, stories about butterknives, wonderful dreams of sharing our new home with mutual friends, and then the disappointing blow to our plans. ( "Our plans". Therein lies the root of the problem.) We did what was asked of us by the landlord. We decided that if we are going to live our lives honestly, that is, differently than we have in the past, we would follow direction and not lie or cheat (AKA: manipulate) our way into what we wanted. I would not move in until the "approval" was final. We would leave the results to our Higher Powers and live in acceptance of whatever the outcome would be.

Ah, yes. Acceptance.

As it turns out, my credit is horrible. (Like THAT was a newsflash!) That was the basis for the denial. Funny how things work. I pushed ahead, without any knowledge of the details of my credit report, but imagining it was pretty bad. Talk about denial! (DENIAL=Don't Even Notice I Am Lying) So, my lesson here has been to take care of what's in front of me instead of living in the future. Things like finding a job, concentrating on my program, and performing financial amends. The amazing thing is, that I've looked at my report now, put it on paper, and when it comes down to an actual dollar amount, it's not a scary as I thought. Well...once I have a job, anyway. But that's another story for later.

Then there's the component of my current living situation. Which isn't horrible, in all honesty. What I was doing, in part, was running from one situation, to another without examining what my part in my discomfort here really is. That needs to change. Pronto. I am not a child who cannot stand up for herself. The roommate with which I have difficulty, may resemble my father and my ex-husband in many ways, but he is not them, nor is he responsible for my feelings. I forget who said this, but it certainly fits: "You are not responsible for the programming you picked up in childhood. However, as an adult, you are one hundred percent responsible for fixing it." So, I am resolved to live in the moment and do what's in front of me, today. Open my eyes to the reality. And change what I can about me.

Back to my former, almost-roommate. He too, made peace with the final decision. He began "nesting" and was doing his best to come to terms with the uncertainty he felt about living alone as a sober individual for the first time in a very long time. I was actually envious. While I dream to be living in a place of my own, I am not ready financially or strong enough in my recovery yet. His distress this morning was with his landlord. Apparently, he was served, just moments before I arrived, with a 3-day notice to vacate. He took the bit in his teeth and called the landlord to inquire into the infraction that would bring such a harsh action, only to be told that he was in violation of the lease by having an unauthorized tenant living with him. Oh, brother, did my brain grab this and run with it! See, again we go back to our "plans". Though I stayed in my current situation pending the final decision, I was so certain that this was a done deal, that I had my new (well, new to me) bedroom set delivered to his apartment a couple of days before we got the final "no". Then a week after the blow was delivered, had the bedroom set removed again. All of that activity spurred the resident snitch to phone the landlord. What a mess! My friend is facing eviction, and all I could think about was how I was at fault, or not at fault. Self-centered? You bet. But as I watched my dear friend, who has shown me nothing but kindness and compassion since we met 2 years ago, agonize over this terrible turn of events, I was suddenly mute. I ran some of the AA slogans through my head and decided to not utter a single one. Instead, I listened, hugged him, and left. Hopefully it was what he needed.

I don't know what lies ahead for my former, almost-roommate, nor do I know what lies ahead for me. I do know, however, that we each have grown in our recovery. We got what we needed. And we have grown in our friendship. Now all that's left is to accept it, learn from it, and pass it on.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.