Super-size mine, please.

When I order fast food, I am presented with so many choices. Which meal deal would I like? Fries or onion rings? Diet Coke or regular? And of course, would I like it small, medium, or large? I love a good deal, so more often than not, I opt for the super-sized meal. It fits nicely with one of my many character defects. (So does the fast food restaurant, and the drive-thru, but that’s another blog entry.)

I really got a lot of bang for my buck this evening.

My reaction this evening to a situation that presented itself was instantaneously “over the top”. My sponsor calls this being too big for what the current situation warrants. When I felt my face flush, started hyperventilating, and my ears began ringing, I knew that this was one of those times. I could not however, articulate where the underlying culprit lay, so I called my sponsor. I’ve been in similar situations before, and through many weeks of what must have been dozens of moments when she wanted to bang her head (and probably mine, too) against a wall, her patience with my immature processing skills paid off. The first of those instances was a HUGE “aha! moment” where I felt instant relief. She must have too. It is that moment I usually recall when I am on the other side of super-sized emotional responses.

What my sponsor has helped me to learn is that the underlying reason is not about the current situation or the people involved at all, but what it represents from my past. When I phoned her this evening, I was in full blown (albeit, manufactured) crisis. I was angry and it had everything to do with “them” and how I was being persecuted. As we talked, the process brought me to that first breakthrough where I realized that this was not about this particular incident. Certain elements were reasonable enough for my adult, recovering alcoholic self to process. Other elements, the ones that provoked the really BIG response, were about experiences in my childhood. The feelings were all present and accounted for, but the players were not from the original cast and crew.

I haven’t been exactly utilizing my sponsor as much as I should in the past couple of weeks like I used to. (We’ve talked about that briefly, and she was loving, patient, and kind…but I know there’s work coming regarding that…oh there will be work!) But what used to take weeks, maybe months, to process and resolve, took only 20 minutes this evening. HUGE! HUGE! HUGE! And while I still have the actions to perform that will bring closure to this situation, I am grateful that I can still do what I need to do when faced with a monster of a reaction. And that’s to pick up the phone.

(Is it a coincidence that I began reading “Codependent No More” again this morning before this all occurred?)

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.