It's only me...

I got to talk with my son last night. He is in the Navy and between his school schedule and his duties, it’s difficult to know when he’s available to chat. I texted him a couple of times over the last few days and received no response and that got the committee in my head started. What did I do, or not do to make him avoid me? Oh yeah…I’ve got it bad.

My mom used to call me and when I didn’t answer, she’d hang up. When I saw her number on the missed caller ID and no message was left, my mind would race to places way out there. I finally got her to start leaving messages so that I knew: 1) when she called, and 2) if it was a “hey, there’s something important we need to talk about” or “it’s been a while since we talked and I just wanted to catch up”. (Yes, this was more about me than anything else.) So her messages started and more often than not it sounded like this: “Hey Jul, it’s only Mom. I never know when to call you, so…um…give me a call when you have time, okay?”

It’s only been in my sobriety that I have begun to think about this as another extension of how unimportant she felt. It’s difficult to look at my part in that. Did I do what I could to show her exactly how valued she was? Probably not. Okay, definitely not. And I wish I could do it over again. But I can’t. So instead, I’m working on staying in touch with my children, accepting their limitations, strengthening my own feelings of self-worth, and trying to not project my insecurities on them. When I remember my mom and try to conjure her voice, it is that voicemail that is played in my memory. And I embrace it.

So my son and I did talk. And it was as wonderful as always. It wasn’t too long ago that he would have nothing to do with me, so I feel eternally blessed that we have the relationship we do today. It turns out he’s got a lot going on and didn’t want to rehash some of it with me. I did my best to reassure him that I won’t push if he just says that he doesn’t want to talk about that right now, but I will ask because what’s important to him is important to me. Only time will tell if he can ever trust me again. As I try to live my life based on integrity and principles, I will become a better mom, giving my children what I didn’t give to them for so long.

“When we knew better, we did better.” (Thank you, Pammie.)

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.