While I was making my bed this morning (something I did NOT do for many years), I knocked over one of the crystal chicks that sit on my bedside table. I bought the set of Mama and 3 chicks for my mother’s collection many years ago to represent me and my 3 children. (Why I did not search for a Papa to add to the set to include my then-husband is an area of my subconscious I have yet to explore.) Once certain items were returned to the original “givers”, Mom’s collections of crystal figurines and Hummels were distributed evenly among her children after she passed away, which is how I have them now. As I righted the chick, my brain was immediately filled with superstition. Which of my chicks was in trouble?Though my first inclination was to call each of them to find out if they were “okay”, I refrained. (That is what I would have done in years past to bring my “amazing mother’s love and intuition” to their attention. Oh, the drama!) Instead, I pushed the thought out of my mind. I do not like the tremendous pain I feel over their physical absence in my life. I do not like to visit the sad memories of how my active disease led to them moving far away from me to live with their father. I do not like to dwell in the wreckage I have caused in their lives. Yet I know I must.
In working Step 8 and Step 9, I chose originally to start with my children: the 3 people to which I believe I owe my biggest and most difficult amends. I am relying on my Step 4 inventory as an outline for the amends. It is an emotionally overwhelming undertaking to again be assaulted by my own actions. I thought once I did Step 5, I was home free. Sigh. Alas I was wrong. (You old timers can stop laughing at me anytime now. My sponsor has already done so for that statement!) I am reminded of the following quote, taken from page 49 of the 12 & 12: “Pride says ‘You need not pass this way,’ and Fear says, ‘You dare not look!’” In my humble opinion, this goes for Step 8 and Step 9 as well.
My sponsor suggested that I get a few less difficult amends under my belt before attempting amends to my children (WHEW!) and concentrate on remaining a responsible, consistent presence in their lives; even if from a distance. I trust her wisdom and experience though I am impatient and just want it done. Not an alcoholic characteristic at all, is it?
My brain has been busy this week. I am exhausted. But a very good friend, and fellow alcoholic, told me that step work done thoroughly is indeed exhausting. If my level of emotional fatigue is any indication, my work is solid.
Making my bed every morning and righting a chick serve as very important reminders to me.
1. New habits can be learned and enjoyed.
2. Righting things immediately helps to eliminate future chaos and fear. (Sounds suspiciously like Step 10)
3. I am not the person I was a little over 2 years ago that thrived on manufactured drama.
Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.
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A few things that have helped me with my now grown children (whom I drug thru my addiction).
ReplyDelete1. When we knew better, we did better.
2. For every painful moment in my childrens life that they would bring up to me (sometimes a yell) I would stop, look them in the eye and say "It must have been so hard to be you on that day." Sometimes that's all they needed was the acknowledgement that I knew their life was difficult. We never ever follow that statement with, but it was so hard to be me too....we save that for our meetings and peers and sponsors.
Stay in the day darlin'.