Conflicting messages.

My mind is a blank. My mind is racing.
I am an outsider. I belong.
I don’t want to be here. I’m glad I came.
I have nothing I want to share. Yes I do, please pull my number.
Please don’t come and hug me. Hey, come over here, I missed you and need a hug.

Yes, I went to my regular Wednesday meeting and THAT is what the committee in my brain was doing--the entire time. I can’t turn it off. I can only accept it as the crossed wires in this alcoholic’s brain. The wires that are designed to cause enough conflict to lull me into believing I’m different; unique. The same wires that turn “wah wah wah…wah wah” into a powerful message.

I went to the meeting, not for me, but for the newcomers in the room. (Magnanimous of me, wasn’t it?) What I didn’t count on was that a friend would stand up and identify as a newcomer after almost 2 years of sobriety. His relapse was all of one night, and he came back the very next day. I had felt him pulling away over the course of several months. This isn’t an isolated incident. It’s happened before with others. I either have radar about these things, or give off some kind of vibe. They say the mental relapse begins long before the physical one. Maybe living a lie most of my adult life, in one form or another, has given me a sixth sense. In any event, I felt a plethora of emotions when he identified and will no doubt process this with my sponsor tomorrow.

But what it boils down to for me (at least tonight) is this: I went. It doesn’t matter for whom. And that is only one of four crucial things I must do if I’m going to stay sober.

Don’t drink no matter what.
Keep my side of the street clean.
Help another alcoholic.
Trust that God is on the job.

By showing up, even when I didn’t feel like it, even when I’m in a very dark place emotionally, even when all I want to do is to isolate, I stayed sober another day. Does that mean I helped another alcoholic? I hope so. Cuz today…it’s all I could manage.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.