What have I got to lose?

Some days I just really get so emotionally worn out. Take today for example.

I wasn’t able to make it to my usual support group at 6 because I couldn’t pee. (Yeah, there’s a story there, just not today.) I did the responsible thing and notified the facilitator that I would be coming to the 7 PM meeting instead. Rushing through downtown LA traffic to actually make good on that was harrowing enough without the committee working overtime in my brain over the pee thing. (Seriously, this is an issue which requires more time to explain than I have now.) I received a text message in transit that was upsetting. Potential bad news for a loved one. Sigh. “This is the last place I want to be” was my mantra as I walked to the meeting room. Ever feel like that?

WELL…person after person described in detail how hopeless they felt. So hopeless that using again seemed like a viable option. The monologue in my head was going something like this: "OMG! This is taking forever. Can we not move it along so we can just get out of here?" (Sound familiar?) At some point I stopped being self-obsessed and started actually listening. And to remember what it felt like to be there. To feel that desperation. To not be able to see a way out. To just say “screw it” and have a drink. It’s overwhelming.

When it came my time to share and the words started flowing, my gratitude over how much my life has changed in the past 2+ years hit me solidly. Things may not be the way I planned at this stage of my life, but they are far better than when I got here. And I never have to go back to living like that ever again.

I think one of the reasons I don’t drink is that I never want to have to stand up as a newcomer again. To admit I lost the time I accumulated in front of friends and loved ones would really suck. But what I need to remember, is, that the only way to lose is to end up in a body bag. So, I’ll keep coming back. Just one more time.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.