God, grant me...

I feel like a Zombie, just going through the motions. And I guess that will have to do for now.

I am grateful that I did not come home to an empty house. My roommates have been so kind and loving. I think I need the support they can offer by the mere fact that they are not connected to my family unit. I don’t mean that in any negative sense to my family. It just allows me to accept support without having to give it in return. It takes care of “me”. I also indulged in a few, long overdue, self-care activities today. Again, accepting sympathies from people I know very peripherally. It felt healing.

Tomorrow I get back to the business of taking care of life. Health and career top the list. Somewhere I will find the strength to do what is in front of me. HP will provide that strength, I am positive.

Tonight I will turn to prayer and meditation. The answers will come.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

I...Can't...Drive...55

Most of the day my brain felt like it was going 250 MPH. My blood pressure has been vacillating wildly throughout the day leaving me lightheaded and nauseous. I got several periods of respite through talking with Sponsor, prayer, meditation, writing, and staying through 2 support groups tonight instead of my customary early group only. I cried. I ranted. I talked. And I opened my heart and ears to suggestion.

The two situations that have my emotions living in Roller Coaster Central (thank you Joe) are so totally out of my control. One has me worried for a loved one; the other has me reacting to another alcoholic’s (one of my roommates) “acting out”. I was actually feeling better during support group, but found myself lightheaded and with a raging headache by the time I reached my car in the garage to come home.

I hate that I respond with physical symptoms to stress and resentment. It is proof positive to me that I have something to work through. There’s no room for denial when I’m suffering even the superficial effects of stroke level blood pressures. No matter how temporary.

This is a pretty undeniable illustration, in my life, of how unmanageability and resentments can kill me if I don’t follow a few simple steps.

So, when I got home, I worked through steps 1, 2, and 3 on my worry for my loved one, and worked a 4th step on the resentment with my roommate. And then I got to work with another alcoholic on plans for the final fundraiser for AALA.

Heavy sigh.

I feel better.

Who’s shocked?

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Back to the basics

I woke up this morning with dread. My first thought was “Why did I agree to facilitate that %@&! Big Book study at Fouse today?”. In the place I’m in lately, I just couldn’t come up with any valid reason (to me, at least) to do it. Blah, blah, blah. So I turned to my Daily Reflections and there was the answer.

As the 7 ladies retrieved their books from the shelves, I thought about how to proceed. After everyone was settled, I introduced myself and qualified briefly, then asked everyone to introduce themselves. I related to them how this was their group and often as I sat in the very chairs they were now in, I felt as if I didn’t count for much. We repeated the same things over and over, several times in a week, and my ideas for what to read next were seldom taken into account. I wanted this to be relevant to where they were today and how they were feeling. Most of them were pretty new and still feeling numb and didn’t have any suggestions. So I told them I had a Plan B in case this happened. They decided they would like to hear it. So I told them about my thoughts on wakening and read them the passage I had read earlier. I told them I’ve been struggling and not really following direction or living in the answers I found in the Big Book, so I needed to read Chapter 2, There Is A Solution. They loved that idea.

The next hour flew by. There was a lot of good discussion and relating to the Book and each other going on. I felt so much connection to the program and these women by the end and they invited me back. I’m on call, so to speak, to fill in for the regulars when they can’t honor their commitment for whatever reason, so I told them that I would love to help anytime I was given the opportunity. And I meant it.

I did follow through on attending the Women’s meeting tonight as Sponsor directed. She’ll be thrilled tomorrow at that, but even more so that I immediately introduced myself upon entering and picked up a few phone numbers. One of the women who directed me to sit next to her has a pretty extensive history in one of the fields I’m investigating in my career shift. She gave me a few ideas and offered to help me write a cover letter for my resume. I also ran into 3 women I know from other meetings and got their numbers as well. I outlined some of the difficulties I’ve been experiencing lately and found that again, I am not terminally unique.

So, though my basic physical situation hasn’t changed, I feel a change inside. A flicker of hope. And it’s as a direct result of putting my faith in Someone/Something other than me and just plain following direction. Whether I think I need to or not. I’m not the most objective person when it comes to knowing what I need. Huh.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Here comes the sun.

It’s amazing what a difference a day makes.

The shift in thinking. The feeling of being at ease. The acceptance of the right here and the right now.

My morning routine was somewhat disturbed by my alarm clock, but the benefit of watching the breathtaking morning sunrise was a gift. For the longest time after I was laid-off, I still awoke at 5 AM every day. It’s been only the past few weeks where I have “slept in” until 6:30 or 7:30. I made the decision to set my alarm as a commitment to attend the beach meeting. It gave me the time to pray and meditate, wash my face and brush my teeth (no need for a shower with the sand and salty air), fix my bed, brew coffee for my thermos, pack my beach bag, read some really great feedback and encouraging words from the blogging community, and glance at my email. Had I not set my alarm, I’m sure I would have come up with a thousand excuses not to go. It felt as if I had a purpose today. I liked that feeling.

I arrived 45 minutes early, set up my blanket, and got to the business of fellowship. The die-hards were there and immediately pulled me into conversation. They seem to have a 6th sense about things and show nothing but love and support when they’ve zeroed in on someone who appears to be struggling. I also got to talk with some people who don’t come there on a regular basis. These are people I’ve known my entire sobriety, but haven’t run into much in the past year. Our circumstances took us in different directions. In the 45 minutes prior to the meeting’s start, there was an instant, and natural feeling that I could exhale the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. I love this meeting. I love the surprises it holds. The meeting tripled in size due to the nicer weather, and it will only gain strength as the season progresses. I think I’ll keep setting my alarm on Sunday mornings. It’s a great way to start the week.

There was a school of about 8 dolphins playing in the surf. I noticed them during the 2 minute silent meditation. They remained just offshore for the entire meeting…an hour and a half. It’s odd they would stay so long. They usually meander south and around the point by the meeting’s midpoint. Today they went back and forth, directly in front of where the white flag was erected. The whole dolphin thing always excites me. Today more than usual.

The speaker was a young man of 28, who just celebrated his 9th Birthday. An amazing sober alcoholic whose focus is “right now”. I found my eyes turning to the dolphins throughout his share and the overwhelming fact that, for whatever reason, they were right here, right now. I doubt they were thinking about yesterday or planning tomorrow and beyond. This was their reality. And they were just fine.

I am here. Right here. Right now. Anything else is over and done with, or not yet happened. This is my reality. I'm just fine, too.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Letting go.

There’s a dove that visits the telephone wires adjacent to my balcony on a regular basis. I used to be filled with fear when I sighted a dove. Years ago, someone once told me that they symbolized an imminent death. This young girl saw two of them in the bushes in front of my home as my now ex-husband and I were out for the evening and she was babysitting our children. She was relieved when we came home unscathed. The image was a frightening one. I can be fairly superstitious.

Since I have been in recovery, I have come to embrace the sighting of a dove. For me, a dove often appears when I am troubled about a decision that either lies before me or one I have just made. After some "Googling" and inquiries to friends, I feel more comfortable with the symbolism of peace for the dove. And since I feel a sense of inner peace when one makes itself known to me during troubled times, that is the symbolism I choose to believe.

I was uneasy this evening as I sat on my balcony. There are many issues weighing on my mind. My focus was particularly set on one of these issues, and after much prayer and meditation tonight as well as over the past several months, I felt I had my answer. My heart ached because while it is the right decision, there’s a part of me that will grieve because it requires that I let go. As a feeling of cautious relief came, it was accompanied by tears. And then it happened. This dove, who has alighted on the telephone wires across the parkway on many occasions over the past year, glided to perch on the edge of the table which sat no further than 2 feet away from me. She sat there, very still, very quiet, for perhaps 2 minutes with the wind blowing her feathers. Before she flew away, she turned her entire body towards me and lowered her head as if in a bowing gesture. And then she was gone.

I think I have my answer. Now if I can only let go in faith.


Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.