Why does it feel like I'm keeping a secret?

The need to be surrounded by the fellowship was very acute today, so I decided to attend dinner at FH before the Women’s meeting. It was kind of a mixed bag.

Sponsor spent most of the “down-time” between dinner and the meeting with her new sponsee who is a resident of FH. I didn’t feel neglected at all. I remember what a welcome relief it was when she would come to dinner before the meeting and I could escape the drama (much of it manufactured by my head) of recovery home living for just an hour by having one simple, private conversation. I was happy that my new sister in sobriety was able to benefit in that way. I was somewhat disappointed, though. There’s a lot going on in my head and heart that could benefit from spilling over, and somehow, a phone conversation about the very same issues just isn’t the same. We will not be able to meet on Saturday either as Sponsor is going out of town for the weekend. I will keep talking about my experiences over the last couple of weeks with friends, but there is so much history and family dynamics that Sponsor is privy to that cutting to the chase is easy with her. I’m not sure how much relief I will get with others who do not have the intimate knowledge of my past that she does. But, I suppose this type of thinking falls into the category of contempt prior to investigation. So maybe I better let go of it.

To that end, I’m a little perplexed by how guarded I am in some instances and how open I am in others. I noticed a couple of times tonight when women I have known through FH, some for most of my sobriety, greeted me with a kiss, hug, and inquiry into my well being, my response was that I was “good” while moments before, I was openly sharing my grief with someone else. Sponsor reassured me that it was perfectly fine to follow my intuition about with whom I felt safe sharing. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. I mean, my health issues and FW’s passing are no secrets. Why would I treat them as such or not seek an opportunity to broaden my circle of support? Was I passing judgment on the type of support they would provide, or was I just tired of repeating myself? Was I being considerate of their current situation and not wishing to take away from their joy or drama by ignoring my own?

In the end, I think that it’s just something that maybe happens all on its own without rhyme or reason. I am still dealing with my feelings. There’s plenty of time to let the world know what’s going on. Right now I guess I just don’t feel a need to be my own personal town-crier 100% of the time. Word will get around, as it always does. I don’t need to feel responsible for how someone hears of my difficulties, how they feel about the manner in which they found out, or what they do as a result. What I am responsible for is extending the hand of Alcoholics Anonymous to anyone who reaches for it.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.