Say Goodnight, Gracie

With the state of unrest that I have been experiencing over the last couple of weeks, tonight’s meeting could have been a disaster, because, after all, it’s always about me. Isn’t it?

Before the meeting, one of my very closest friends did something that hurt my feelings. He meant it as a joke, but I did not find it funny. I had previously discussed with him my need to set a little distance in some of my relationships where I was feeling smothered. He has been very understanding, giving me what I asked for…letting me take the lead. Because I have not been calling him every day, and because of my near miss last week, he leaned in to me and made a show of smelling me, particularly near my mouth. When we talked a little while later, I communicated how hurtful that was and asked him to, in the future, just ask if I had been drinking. He said he knew I hadn’t because I wouldn’t have shown up at the meeting if I had. Uh…I’m an alcoholic. No telling what I would do if I were drinking. I don’t know if he was joking or if there was some truth to his actions, and it’s not my place to argue with his motive or intention. I can only take his words at face value and let him know my feelings. I think we put it behind us. Only time will tell. I know he was coming from a place of love, but I need to do a little work surrounding my initial reaction. Definitely on the agenda to discuss with Sponsor tomorrow.

From there, things kind of piled up. I forgot to ask people to read the two customary readings prior to the start of the meeting, the timer did not show, the clean-up person did not show, and the ticket person did not show. Luckily people stepped up to the plate. As always.

The speaker was wonderful. He talked about becoming an orphan at the age of 41 with only 3 months clean. Since my father passed away when I was 10 months sober, I immediately felt relief. I always thought I was the only one who felt like an adult orphan. It just goes to show that there really isn’t anything unique about me.

During the speed sharing, my friend, D, who relapsed 2 weeks ago after 22 months, shared that he was going to “do this with as much grace and dignity” as he could. Wow, did that strike a nerve. Grace? Dignity? There has been nothing graceful or dignified about what’s going on with me lately. And then I remembered. In the first few weeks in the recovery home, (let’s call it Fouse) I had a meltdown. A serious meltdown. In my rambling during this period I was so incredibly self-deprecating. C was the first to comfort me. Her words? “No one said you had to do this gracefully.” ZING!!!

So, though it was truly not a burning desire, since I am secretary and follow the last share, I identified and told this story for D, for C, for the newcomer, and yes, for me.

So what could have been a disaster was actually a success.
1) I was able to address and avoid a resentment almost immediately,
2) A bunch of alcoholics were flexible and pitched in,
3) Someone who really struggles, got to participate by volunteering to read,
4) I didn’t take the absenteeism personally,
5) I was reminded that I am not terminally unique,
6) I got the message and passed it on,
7) I stayed sober another day.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Tic...Tic...Tic...

A favorite AA quip of the old timers around here is: “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.” Well, uh…yeah. So last night as I prepared for bed and ruminated over the task of moving towards a solution to the crisis I experienced earlier in the evening, I began to pray for the knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out…tomorrow. Yep…He laughed.

As it turns out, my Cuban roommate overheard portions of my telephone conversation with my sponsor. He knew I was distressed which distressed him. (Yes, we’re all codependent around here!) So he approached my closed door and my darkened room and knocked.

I couldn't help overhearing your phone conversation. Would you like to talk about it?
Yes, I would, but I need to put some distance between my initial reaction and actually talking about it.
Okay, but you know we are here. But I won’t be able to sleep until we get this out in the open.
(Grrrr…) Okay, I’ll be right out.

You know what happened? The fuse that was lit earlier, so rapidly and so potentially destructive, fizzled out as if a bucketful of sand had been thrown on it. The paralyzing fear of talking about my hurt feelings turned out to be a product of my alcoholic thinking. Catastrophic thinking. Stinkin’ Thinkin’.

The three of us talked for over an hour, related to each other on a level that we hadn’t previously and resolved this misunderstanding. We methodically covered each point, not moving on until all of us were in agreement and comfortable. Huh! It felt good to face the fear and talk about where it came from, why it was so incapacitating, and take a positive action to prevent further misunderstanding and resentment. When all was said and done, I felt like I had conquered K2.

I believe that God knows what is in my heart whether I consciously articulate it or not. Prayer is a way to make “conscious” contact with my Higher Power and I believe it is more for me than anything else. What I didn’t realize is that in my prayers last night, I was attempting to control the outcome by postponing this confrontation (for lack of a better word) by praying for the right moment, praying for the right words, praying for the willingness, blah, blah, blah. Things happen in my life on God’s Time. I just need to take the first step in faith.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.