(Un)Comfort Zone

Most of the day was spent looking for jobs. Hours of scouring the “careers” tab on websites, setting up profiles, etc. The prospects are grim.

After 26 years in my field, you would think I could walk in, apply, and walk out with an offer. I think under normal circumstances, whatever they may be, I could do that. My field is always in need of experienced people. With the economy as it is, the fact that I have become highly specialized without the benefit of the advanced degrees required today, and the amends process to my profession in which I am participating, my options are limited to the level of what feels like a stranglehold.

The reality of having to switching specialties is becoming more and more plausible. And with that comes a tremendous amount of fear.

Which brings me to the question: How willing am I? Not very. Pride is a huge stumbling block right now.

When I think about my earliest days of sobriety, there was no question I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to end the pain. I didn’t even think about the future. In fact, I didn’t think at all. I just did. Whatever I was told. And had faith it would get better. And things started happening. Good things. Things I couldn’t bring myself to hope.

Maybe this will be the same. Swallow that lump of pride that’s acting like an albatross around my neck, and apply for positions out of my comfort zone, not as specialized, and not as “glamorous”. Just be willing to do what it takes, and have faith.

Willingness, huh? I guess this is just another area where I need to “practice these principles in all my affairs”.

Better get to work on that.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Oh The Humanity!

I was provided with the opportunity to be of service today for a woman whom I’ve known for my entire sobriety. We aren’t close, but we have mutual friends and share a history with the recovery home in which I once resided. She needed help. I needed to be of service. Simple. The language of the heart binds us.

She finds herself in the position of, what I’d like to consider, renewing her vow of sobriety, after maintaining her sobriety a significant amount of time. SIGNIFICANT. The how and why of it isn’t important for me to discuss here. After all, it is not my story to tell. But it did give me pause to think about some of the basic principles I hold so dearly.

Over the course of the past 2+ years I have witnessed the fragility of sobriety and life. I have seen individuals who relapse time and again, others disappear from sight for a prolonged period only to return unrecognizable, some try rehab after rehab, yet others never make it back. Relapses have happened after as little as 2 days clean, others after 34 years. Relapses have lasted hours, or months, a couple have seemed like years. In some cases, relapse has meant another chance or it has meant the end of a life. Some relapses did not surprise me. Others have shaken me to my very core.

There are quite the varieties of opinions voiced when such events occur. They range from not even a blip on the radar to outright repugnance and ridicule. What I can’t forget is “No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.” This gives me a chance to be human.

I don’t believe that relapse has to be a part of recovery. I do believe that we all have a right to be sober. What works for some, may not work for others. Recovery is a very personal thing, between oneself and their concept of God. “Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us.” This gives me an opportunity to learn.

So when I hear opinions that are belittling to another’s path in sobriety, be it relapse or rehab, I remember the words of Herbert Spencer. “There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is contempt prior to investigation.” This offers me hope.

Time goes on. Faces change. No two people are exactly alike. I get so frustrated when I hear (read) some of the opinions sent from the moral high ground. We're all in search of the same thing. We each have our own path. No one is right and no one is wrong. Does it matter how we get there? What matters is that we never stop learning.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.