Piecing it all back together...

It’s been so long since I wrote a blog post that I feel a huge disconnect here. I don’t know where to start!

It’s been one month since my brother passed away. The reality of that hits me in waves. Little things seem to take me completely by surprise. Like today; I was driving in an unfamiliar area and noticed I was coming up on a cross street that was his name. It was surrounded by pine trees and I immediately choked up; tears overflowing. I remember watching him come home from the bus stop, taking a running start halfway down the block to hurdle one of the two Colorado Blue Spruce Trees planted in our front yard. Yes, they were small and I remember thinking how BIG my brother was. And still is. I will more than likely drive to that street, on purpose now, just to feel near him. I’m like that sometimes.

Moving last Saturday from my one room to my very own apartment was not as traumatizing as I had expected. A couple of people from the fellowship pitched in and I secured the services of 3 men from a local recovery home. When all was dropped into the center of the living room, all I could think of was getting everyone out. It only took 3 hours but I was physically and emotionally spent. Two of my friends wanted to stay and help me unpack, but that was something I couldn’t bear. There were boxes I hadn’t opened in over two years, and I knew I would want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings when I unwrapped precious as well as some probably very dark memories. Later in the week when I did that, I didn’t fall apart as I had anticipated. I was able to look at my past as a necessary part of me: good, bad, and ugly. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past 2 ½ years and am grateful that path brought me to where I am today.

The doctor added a beta blocker to my meds. A lot of the side effects I was experiencing were related to the fact that my resting heart rate was somewhere around 100. The BP was fine, and within hours of taking my first dose of the additional med, I was feeling much better. That was last Friday and it was a relief to not be experiencing the wildness I had been feeling inside during my move the next day. I feel 1000% better, if that’s possible. Tonight my ailments are, I think, due to either a sinus infection or an inner ear problem. Dizzy spells when I turn my head or refocus my eyes after tracking an object, and an overwhelming urge to vomit. Not fun. The fullness in my right ear lends me to believe it’s the inner ear thing, so I’ve been alternating ears with warm compresses. It seems to be helping but I didn’t want to push it this evening, so I’m snuggled in for the night. Vertigo is a scary symptom to me, especially when I’m driving or sitting still.

I spoke with Sponsor this evening (as I have every day for the past month, save twice when I just spaced it off) and explained what’s going on. We missed our meeting last week due to the move, and I really don’t want to miss this week, but I may stay home. I told her I’d play it by ear in the morning. (No pun intended, but it works here, huh?) She was firm in her direction that if I did not come that I’d better be doing a lot of writing. I did reassure her that I have continued to write nightly (though I have not posted anything here) and that while unpacking I found my step-work notebook and planned on picking back up where I left off on my 8th step before I got sick and the fit hit the shan in April in health and my personal life. The direction she has given me of late about the writing, and the specific area to focus, has been illuminating and I am grateful to be clearer in my perspective than I had been recently. I kind of got lost…rather…I lost touch with my program and I felt every bit of that bearing down on me in my words, thoughts, and my actions. I feel back on track now, and am amazed at how quickly one can run amok when a few simple things are “skipped”.

The holiday weekend brings so many thoughts and feelings that I will need to explore, so I see a ton of program work in my immediate future. The group I lead at Fouse on Monday afternoons has been canceled due to the holiday, so I will need to fill that time with something else recovery oriented. The regular Sunday beach meeting always holds a meeting on the holidays when they fall during the week, so I will start my day there. Who cares that I will be there the day before as well? They are a great bunch of people and I get to enjoy the ocean surf! I keep getting closer to asking for a commitment there. I don’t know what’s stopping me. This just may be a topic to talk about with Sponsor. Or it may be an opportunity to take contrary action. Hmm.

I apologize that this post is so disjointed. It has been a couple of weeks since I was here and just wanted to catch y’all up. (Yes I said “y’all. One can’t live in the South-ish for 17 years and not pick it up. I shudder to think what LA-isms I have adopted since being here! Maybe my AA Speak is enough.) In any event, thank you all for your comments and keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. It has been a character building time for me and without my sober fellowship, I don’t think I’d have gotten through it as relatively unscathed as I have. I am forever grateful.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Countdown to Meltdown in 5, 4, 3...

I feel like I am teetering on the edge of a meltdown. My insides are racing and my heart rate reflects it. My mind is unable to focus on anything for any substantial amount of time. I am transposing words in the spoken word, and letters as I type. (Thank God for automatic spell check and correction!) My eyelids are heavy. My chest hurts. My eyes sting from holding back the tears.

I kind of resemble that chocolate bar that was put in the microwave for 30-60 seconds. It retains its shape until it’s touched. It’s only then that one realizes that it is melted; unevenly at that.

So, I’m just going to give in to it. You know…the gut wrenching, wailing cry. The cleansing type. I believe in them. While nothing gets solved in the outside world, it gives me a chance to purge. And purge I will.

Don’t worry about me. This isn’t a pity-pot kind of cry. This is an acknowledgment of my humanness and will no doubt be a time of prayer. Deep, spontaneous, and honest prayer.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

The Keys To The Kingdom

I am now a proud tenant in Hollywood. Well, I signed the lease today and received the keys and garage remote. I spent 1 ½ hours taking pictures, measuring spaces and phoning friends from my new apartment. I even used the restroom and sat on the floor of the balcony.

This is a huge step, especially without a job. But again, circumstances are such that this was unavoidable. I must have faith that just as this opportunity materialized as I needed it, so too will a job, if I continue to be open-minded and willing to do what is in front of me in my quest.

As the feelings of elation ebbed just I little bit, I took my leave and headed to FH for dinner and a meeting. On the drive over, I thought of the chosen menu for today: Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. It was the House’s Director’s 39th Sober Birthday on the 10th, and it is always Thanksgiving Dinner for dinner the day she takes her cake. For me, it was fitting also. I have much for which to be grateful; today and every day.

I did, however eat too much. So much so, that I passed on the cake. Not like me at all. I don’t know whether it was over-consumption, or the anxiety of committing to a lease of my very own, or the lingering side effects (tachycardia) of the new drug, but I got to feeling pretty puny as the meeting started. I left rather abruptly once the meeting ended without the customary post-meeting chit-chat. I just needed to get home.

Tomorrow I will rest. I have no pressing issues, no errands to run. My trusty laptop will allow me to stay in bed and still perform my daily job search. Something I have not been able to do since I left for Chicago 2 weeks ago. Oh, yes, the car will need to be moved to avoid a ticket, but this doesn’t bother me as it used to. I now see a light at the end of THAT tunnel. :-)

I think I’ll need to say a little prayer (or 2 or 3...) that I overcome a particular set of character defects daily during the next couple of weeks before I move so that my car doesn’t get the boot. Sometimes knowing there’s relief ahead can bring out the worst in them, and me. Before Alcoholics Anonymous my car would have gotten the boot many, many times over. And I'd be broke from getting my car out of hock. (That is, of course, if I even noticed it was gone and/or could get sober enough to go through the gyrations of getting it back.)

I'm so grateful today to be able to anticipate the consequences of the many facets of my personality quirks. It doesn't mean I'm perfect, but I am learning.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Que Sera Sera

Events seem to be moving at warp speed and totally out of logical order in my life lately. But that is MY perspective. I’ve come to understand over the past several weeks that everything is as it should be in God’s world. If I question or complain it only serves to place me out of step with God’s will. Each time I round a corner or navigate the opportunities for growth God places in front of me (some may call them “tests”), another circumstance is presented. I feel as if I haven’t time to recover or take a deep breath, yet I am grateful. The forward progress and amazingly calm, unflustered manner in which I am “handling” these issues, is a welcome, yet alien feeling.

In the next couple of weeks, I will be moving into a new apartment. When the deal fell through with my former almost roommate in March, I never dreamed that this would happen so soon, or as quickly as it fell together. Circumstances have made this a necessity. (I apologize for the vagueness, but again, much of this is not my story to tell at this time. When it is common knowledge, I will speak freely. It must be frustrating to read my thoughts without being privy to all the details.) I disclosed this decision and the reason to my roommates last night. I was slightly apprehensive because of the last “moving debacle” but said a prayer God would provide the right words and the acceptance of whatever developed from there. They were loving and supportive and concerned. Appropriately. It is a bittersweet event for all involved and I feel good about the outcome.

None of this would be happening if I were not sober.

*I would not have a friend with the ability to get me into a VERY nice apartment in Hollywood for not much more than I am paying for one room in the Mid-Wilshire area.
*I would not have the clarity to take care of what is in front of me, today, and not try to control the results.
*I would not have faith that the work I am doing today will take care of the future.
*I would not be a woman who could be trusted to do what she says she’s going to do.
*I would not be grateful to be in this position.
*I would not have an entire network of friends and resources from which to draw strength in the weeks and months to come.
*I would not know a loving God who wants me to be happy, joyous, and free.
*I would not be living my heart’s desire in the next couple of weeks, however difficult it may appear to be from today’s vantage point.

I am grateful beyond belief today that all of those “would not’s” do not exist. Life may not be the way I envisioned at one time in my life, but I’m at peace with how it is today.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Is he alone who has Faith on one hand...?

Yesterday I felt so…alive. And loved. This is not how I expected to feel on another Mother’s Day without my own mother and without my children.

I set my alarm so that I would not sleep past the point of no return. I really wanted to start the day at the beach meeting, as I attempt to do for all holidays and “anniversary days”. The presence of HP is so palpable there. Between my illness and FW’s passing, it has been some weeks since I could go. I’m grateful I could do so yesterday.

I heard from all 3 of my chickadees before I even stepped foot on the sand. What a blessing! This wouldn’t have happened had I not turned my will and my life over to my HP 881 days ago. Thank you, God.

Mickey Bush was the speaker and delightful as always. I have heard him on many occasions on CD’s and a couple of times in person, but this was a small meeting, comparatively speaking, that facilitated a more intimate approach than he is accustomed. He gave me quite a few new tidbits. The topic he chose for the sharing portion was “powerlessness”. Boy, have the events of the last several weeks illustrated that concept clearly for me!

I am actually grateful for my powerlessness. The admission and acceptance of that has brought me to rely on a Power greater than myself in all situations. Had I not been able to embrace that idea, I’m sure I would be spinning out of control right now with all that is happening around me. It seems as if there is a relentless torrent of challenges beating down upon me and the only way to survive them is to admit my powerlessness and turn it all over to the One who has all power.

I do not believe that God “tests” me. I believe He places opportunities for growth in my path. A HUGE opportunity lies before me as I will be placed in a position I have longed for over the past several years, though not under these circumstances. (More than that I cannot divulge just yet. This is not fully MY story to tell.) What I know is that I cannot choose under what circumstances my dreams are fulfilled. God has a plan and I must have faith. And that, I do.

After the meeting, and my share about powerlessness and how it relates to me, I received much support from my fellows and was invited to breakfast, which I accepted. After all, it was Mother’s Day and it has been so long since I have been treated to breakfast on this day. The gentleman, who provided this treat, is also in a unique position to help me in the next leg of my journey of growth. And he has offered to do so. Surprisingly, I have accepted, which is difficult for me. It is difficult for all of us but I have learned that there is no shame in asking for help. Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me that. It has also taught me that by accepting help, I am helping someone else fulfill their own spiritual needs.

So, as I start my day today I am filled with hope for the future. Today everything is as God intends it to be. And as Mickey pointed out: I’m not living life on life’s terms; I am living life on God’s terms. There is tremendous comfort in believing that.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Mommy-ness

With Mother’s Day being tomorrow, I was feeling kind of down. Having seen my children last week for FW’s funeral and not spending as much time with them as I would have liked, I was beginning to doubt my “mommy-ness”. Well, those feelings are fading quickly as I think about the day.

Navy son and I talk almost daily, and about some pretty heavy stuff. He’s been going through a rough time and has Liberty until tomorrow afternoon. Since he told me he would be off-base with his friends, I decided to give him some mommy-free space. I think he needs it.

Firstborn called this evening because she was feeling sick with a relentless cough. She needed my advice. And, she followed through with my suggestions, feeling just a little better tonight. During the NASCAR race she texted me when my favorite driver was wrecked and taken out of the race. We then texted back and forth about our favorite drivers and our “hated” drivers. It was really kind of neat. It warms my heart to know she still comes to me when she feels sick, and thinks of me when she is doing something she knows I enjoy.

Tomorrow is my regular day to phone my baby girl. I will do so from the beach or on my return home after the meeting. No need to alter our routine one day out of the year.

So, as it turns out, I don’t need Mother’s Day flowers, cards, or gifts to feel loved and appreciated after all. I’m a mommy every day. And I feel eternally blessed that I am sober and present for my children in all the ways that matter.

As for my mommy: She is my own very special angel and I miss her terribly, but I know that she lives on in my heart and my spirit. She is with me every day in all the ways that count.

What a blessing to live my life this way.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Why does it feel like I'm keeping a secret?

The need to be surrounded by the fellowship was very acute today, so I decided to attend dinner at FH before the Women’s meeting. It was kind of a mixed bag.

Sponsor spent most of the “down-time” between dinner and the meeting with her new sponsee who is a resident of FH. I didn’t feel neglected at all. I remember what a welcome relief it was when she would come to dinner before the meeting and I could escape the drama (much of it manufactured by my head) of recovery home living for just an hour by having one simple, private conversation. I was happy that my new sister in sobriety was able to benefit in that way. I was somewhat disappointed, though. There’s a lot going on in my head and heart that could benefit from spilling over, and somehow, a phone conversation about the very same issues just isn’t the same. We will not be able to meet on Saturday either as Sponsor is going out of town for the weekend. I will keep talking about my experiences over the last couple of weeks with friends, but there is so much history and family dynamics that Sponsor is privy to that cutting to the chase is easy with her. I’m not sure how much relief I will get with others who do not have the intimate knowledge of my past that she does. But, I suppose this type of thinking falls into the category of contempt prior to investigation. So maybe I better let go of it.

To that end, I’m a little perplexed by how guarded I am in some instances and how open I am in others. I noticed a couple of times tonight when women I have known through FH, some for most of my sobriety, greeted me with a kiss, hug, and inquiry into my well being, my response was that I was “good” while moments before, I was openly sharing my grief with someone else. Sponsor reassured me that it was perfectly fine to follow my intuition about with whom I felt safe sharing. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. I mean, my health issues and FW’s passing are no secrets. Why would I treat them as such or not seek an opportunity to broaden my circle of support? Was I passing judgment on the type of support they would provide, or was I just tired of repeating myself? Was I being considerate of their current situation and not wishing to take away from their joy or drama by ignoring my own?

In the end, I think that it’s just something that maybe happens all on its own without rhyme or reason. I am still dealing with my feelings. There’s plenty of time to let the world know what’s going on. Right now I guess I just don’t feel a need to be my own personal town-crier 100% of the time. Word will get around, as it always does. I don’t need to feel responsible for how someone hears of my difficulties, how they feel about the manner in which they found out, or what they do as a result. What I am responsible for is extending the hand of Alcoholics Anonymous to anyone who reaches for it.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Getting back into the swing of things.

(The photo is for my sister. Let's see if she notices.)


The day was quiet. I did what was in front of me.

I got out of the house early and headed to Target to pick up a few things I’ve been doing without lately. A few essentials, and a few things, inexpensive, but not so essential. I didn’t go crazy…I can’t afford it.

Later this morning, I forced myself to complete some paperwork that is due in Sacramento by the 10th. I’ll have to pay extra in postage to make sure that happens. Unfortunately that’s the consequence of THAT particular character defect, but at least I care enough to make those arrangements. It wasn’t long ago that I would just drop it in the mailbox on the corner and then make up excuses, probably blaming the USPS for my procrastination.

I also responded, by phone, to an email from a potential employer with whom I placed an application for employment last week before I flew home. Initially, I was going to reply by email, but I decided the direct approach was more professional. As it turns out, I was able to secure a telephone interview for tomorrow morning. It’s quite a change from my area of expertise, but I am willing to learn a new area if that is what my HP has in store for me. And if this process of responding to an email and following through with the interview is just a learning experience, in and of itself, then that is what it will be. Everything is as it should be as long as I just do what’s in front of me to the best of my ability.

It felt wonderful to be back at my Wednesday night meeting. The love and support that was offered felt so comforting. Many of the group knew of my recent difficulties, a few did not. I did share from the podium about my illness and FW’s passing and how numb I feel right now. It felt incredibly healing to give the wonderful men in that room who have been with me since day one through EVERYTHING, an opportunity to be my anchors. As usual, they stepped up to the plate and I felt safe crying in their arms. We fellowshipped following the meeting, though I wasn’t hungry or in the mood. Being able to listen and respond to others’ interests came a little easier today than in the past couple of weeks, yet my heart was still not fully present. At least I made the effort by accepting the invitation and staying a respectable length of time. And as a bonus, I have leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

I just realized that I am making progress with some of my more glaring character defects just through my behaviors today.

I guess it does work, as long as I’m willing to do the work.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

God, grant me...

I feel like a Zombie, just going through the motions. And I guess that will have to do for now.

I am grateful that I did not come home to an empty house. My roommates have been so kind and loving. I think I need the support they can offer by the mere fact that they are not connected to my family unit. I don’t mean that in any negative sense to my family. It just allows me to accept support without having to give it in return. It takes care of “me”. I also indulged in a few, long overdue, self-care activities today. Again, accepting sympathies from people I know very peripherally. It felt healing.

Tomorrow I get back to the business of taking care of life. Health and career top the list. Somewhere I will find the strength to do what is in front of me. HP will provide that strength, I am positive.

Tonight I will turn to prayer and meditation. The answers will come.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Much needed downtime.

I still feel so disjointed. For the first time ever, since I have been flying non-revenue with SC’s buddy passes, I did not make the flight which I originally selected. It’s no big deal. I’m in no rush to get home. I’m just grateful I have a sister who loves and supports me, and shares her buddy passes freely. And I’m grateful Navy son is tech savvy enough to have set up my laptop to get an internet connection via my phone so that I have something to do while I wait here, and possibly again in Tucson. Again, that would be no big deal. The trip out here was a whirlwind and I didn’t have time to just “be”. Maybe this is HP’s way of slowin’ it (me) down. Though I am in the middle of a crowded airport terminal, I get the chance to be “alone” with my thoughts and feelings for the first time since I landed on Wednesday.

I’m not sure the realization of this whole nightmare has hit me yet. It is much more real for FW’s wife and children, and for the family and friends who had him physically present in their daily lives. I know that when the reality hits, that I have a support group in the fellowship to help me every step of the way. For that I am truly blessed.

So as I sit here and try to pass the time, I also try to process the interpersonal dynamics of the past several days. It’s amazing to have been sober and clear headed through this. And there is a lot to discuss and process with sponsor and friends. I’m not certain how quickly I will be able to do that. I may need just a day or so to lock myself up and cry. Or I might not.

Guess I’ll just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Exhausted

It has been a very long day. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

It amazes me how many conflicting emotions can co-exist. What amazes me more is that I am able to experience these emotions without the aid of alcohol. I am fully present in mind, body and spirit to support my loved ones and honor FW.

I thank those of you that have kept my family and me in your prayers, and those of you who have sent me private messages. Though I have not had time to read your posts or respond to your words of encouragement, please know that they comfort me beyond that which words can convey. You are an important part of my recovery and I am grateful to have you "with" me as I trudge this road.

Tomorrow (actually today, as it is well after midnight CST as I type,) will again be a long day as we lay FW's earthly form to rest. When the day winds down, I will no doubt put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. There is much of this sober experience that is waiting patiently inside of me to be brought out into the light of hope. I wish to share that with you.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

At rest.

God saw you getting tired,
And a cure was not to be.
So he put his arms around you,
And whispered “Come to me”.

With tearful eyes we watched you,
And saw you pass away.
Although we loved you dearly,
We could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard working hands to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.

By Therese Pearman

Kilroy Was Here

BP meds and side effects are stabilizing as much as they can under the current circumstances. I flew home to Chicago yesterday for a family emergency that I learned of late Tuesday evening.

I am grateful that I can be fully present for my family, even in my grief. We were mutually supportive and loving as we said goodbye last night to my oldest brother, FW.

The gathering at the hospital yesterday was surreal. I don’t think the reality of it all has truly set in, at least for me. And I have those feelings of having to be strong for those around me that make me wonder about how safe I feel with expression of true emotion. It will take time, I know. I must remember to nurture myself first through this.

Dinner at Kilroy's last night was weird. Everyone was drinking. I never thought about it once. This restaurant/bar was a favorite hangout for the family and a place where my brother once “bounced”. It seemed appropriate. And for the first time, I had the opportunity to be DD. That felt strange. Driving BB (Baby Brother) to safety in his newly “amped” pickup. Not only did he trust me (only one of two people who have experienced this privilege) with his truck, he trusted me with his life.

Organ procurement takes place today. The Gift of Hope. Even in death, FW is a good man.

My children will arrive soon. My son, today or tomorrow, and my girls on Friday. I think having them together for the first time since my Father’s funeral in October of 2008 may be emotional, but I’m trying not to worry about it too much. I have seen Son several times since then; I have not been as blessed concerning the girls. I’m still processing these feelings. It’s heart wrenching to think I may only see them under sad circumstances. But, alas, I cannot predict the future. I can only deal with what’s in front of me and try to just “be” instead of make up for lost time or undo the past.

Right now, it’s time for coffee and conversation at the Ponderosa with BB, SC (older sister), and BILM (her husband). Enjoying each other’s company and taking it just one step at a time.

Goodbye FW. You are a good man. I love you.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

I don't like being a patient.

Doctor said to give it another week or so. These side effects are twofold. The adjustment of my physiological symptoms back to “normal” is not yet complete, and my body has been compensating for a far longer period of time than it has been allowed to “rest”. I’m really kind of pleased he has a working knowledge of the alcoholic mind and knows how to settle me down. He says things like “trust the process” and “you didn’t get this way overnight so it’s going to take a little time” and “remember how you felt when you were newly sober, this is like that”. Then there are times it irks me that he knows so much about the alcoholic mind. My mind. I can’t bullshit him.

Again, this all comes back to acceptance, faith, and surrender, I think. Steps 1, 2, and 3. I just have to apply it differently. I spoke with Sponsor earlier about this very issue.

As a medical professional, I have just enough information to be dangerous to myself. (Self-will) I have a hard time accepting that I just can’t control what’s going on with my aging body. Oh, there are certain things I could be doing differently to improve the process and not exacerbate those things to which I am genetically predisposed. I just don’t. (More self-will) Little to no physical activity, an exclusively caffeine liquid intake, poor diet, and smoking can only lead me down one road. By placing myself in this position through much of my own action, or inaction, I am ignoring the consequences. And persisting in this way of life in spite of them. And adding to the unmanageability. (I can’t.)

Doctor is specially trained to deal with these issues; I am not. He has years of experience with countless drugs and patients; I have read a few things about this particular drug. I may know how my body feels right now; he knows how it will feel later. He knows what my options are now and later; I have tunnel vision focusing on my limitations. He is objective; I am self serving. (Someone else can.)

So based on all that I don’t know, I’m going to have to put my faith in Doctor. I’ll have to ask questions, listen to the answers, and follow his direction. In addition, I’ll have to put my ego aside and be honest with him about my progress. (I think I’ll let him.)

What comes next is hopefully a better enjoyment of life if I am honest, open-minded and willing. I know through practicing the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous as it relates to the disease of alcoholism that I can recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Why not give this a shot too?

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Just take it back.

I don’t like how I’m feeling. It seems as if I feel worse on this medication than off of it. I’m stuck in the middle of stubborn acceptance of these side effects and calling Doctor to inquire about another drug. I know only too well that there is no easier, softer way, yet there’s got to be a something that doesn’t decrease the quality of my life.

Doctor is the one educated in these matters, however, I am the one stuck inside this body that seems to be turning on me. How much faith do I place in him and his personal and professional experience with this drug? Sponsor thinks it would be a good idea to call him today. And that is my plan. Yet it’s hard to swallow that this may be the wrong drug for which I paid out-of-pocket. I have only used 5 pills of 30. What a waste. And there are no refunds. (I don’t know why I just giggled at that…)

Refunds, huh? When something doesn’t fit or work, we take it back. It’s sometimes a hassle, but for the most part we walk away with something more suitable to our needs/wants. Or so we think. Sometimes we come home with nothing as there was no acceptable replacement. Sometimes we do this on our own, but sometimes we discuss our bad decision with someone else and get their ideas before we take action.

In any of those scenarios, we’re acting on faith, in a way. Faith that whatever the result, our needs will be met. We either enjoy our new item or learn to live without it, and somewhere in the back of our minds we keep an eye open for the perfect fit. Always hoping.

I don’t know why this seems so significant to me today. But there is something here that obviously needs a closer look.

Oh, joy...

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Take two and call me in the morning.

Well, it’s official. I have high blood pressure. Shocking, I know. Being overweight, consuming an unhealthy diet, practicing a Type A personality, and possessing a genetic predisposition to heart disease did not spare me. (And let us not fail to acknowledge the Alcoholic mindset: stinkin’ thinkin’.)

The doctor, also a friend of Bill W., prescribed an antihypertensive and bedrest for a few days. At least until the danger zone is no longer my baseline BP. The headache and low ringing in my ears persist, but I am breathing a little easier and have less of that doomsday feeling. (And I’ve shed 8 pounds in the past two weeks between the intestinal issues of last week and the diuretic effect of the meds the past 3 days.) I have an appointment for a full work-up in a month. The doctor, in all his infinite wisdom about how the alcoholic mind works, only prescribed enough to get me through until my next visit. I think I may like this guy.

The events of the past week have given me an opportunity to touch base with a few friends in the fellowship, 4 of my siblings and my favorite April Fool. The effect of actually letting them know what was going on with me and hearing their genuine concern and unrestrained support has been calming. It is also somewhat of a source of shame that I do not reach out to them unless I am experiencing discomfort or looking to engage in drama (other than my own). Since “rising from the dead” in mid-2008, they have been nothing short of amazing in their love and support of me. Yet I have kept them on the periphery. Character defects at work.

I shut down my Facebook page 2 weeks ago. This was actually a well thought out action, though not necessarily well executed. It spurred concern from my family and friends. The only two I informed of this decision were my son and my baby girl (firstborn and I were not “friends” through tremendous insight on her part). I did not want them to think the worst (i.e., that I was drinking) or that I was reacting to anything they posted...blah, blah, blah. Maybe I should have given those who love me a "heads up" also. I actually thought about it, but didn't want it to become a drama. Least of all, my drama. And if I'm going to be honest, I guess I didn't think it would matter. I didn't think I would matter. Wrong, again. (Doggone shortcomings.)

My purpose was simply to remove a source of “all about me” reactions. Meaning: I was reading a lot into status updates and taking them personally or using it as a way to divert my attention through the drama of others. By removing that temptation, I have thwarted the formation of new resentments or the perpetuation of old ones. Ahhh.

The truth of the matter is: anyone, with whom I have a “real” relationship that was also my Facebook “friend”, deserves more personal communication from me. And I have phone numbers or email addresses with which to do that. The superficial means of staying in touch that this forum provided was actually a means of avoidance. I was living in a virtual world. Not the real world. So, by closing down that method of communication, I will be forced to have real conversations about real issues, not maintain or support the persona that is/was reflected in the virtual world. And I will be inspired to get out of self by initiating contact with those I love, just for the sake of catching up. It may have taken almost two weeks and a health crisis to do so, but I believe I am on the right road. (Now, if I could just bring myself to quit visiting the blog of APS [Antisocial/Psychopath Sister].)

I think this all comes back to acceptance. I’m not sure how yet. I haven’t gotten that far in the processing. But there’s this niggling feeling, in the pit of my stomach.

You know the one.

And there’s medicine for that, too.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

First things first.

Yesterday was spent spinning out of control. My BP, at one point, was 174/120. No wonder I felt like I was dying.

It’s amazing to me today how my mind can turn on me. I am living so far in the future which illuminates fears I didn’t think I had. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to live in today and trust in my HP that things are going to be okay for me, and for my loved one, down the road.

Going to take it easy today and pray, pray, pray.

Going to meditate, meditate, meditate.

Going to talk to others about what’s going on, real or imagined, hoping to take the power out of the fears.

Going to do just what I can today. Hopefully let go, and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

First things first. A doctor’s appointment this afternoon to tackle the immediate, life-threatening physiological symptoms. The rest will come after my body is somewhat out of danger, and not adding to my emotional state.

Kind of reminds me of earlier days…don’t take a drink, no matter what, and then start the real work of recovery.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

I...Can't...Drive...55

Most of the day my brain felt like it was going 250 MPH. My blood pressure has been vacillating wildly throughout the day leaving me lightheaded and nauseous. I got several periods of respite through talking with Sponsor, prayer, meditation, writing, and staying through 2 support groups tonight instead of my customary early group only. I cried. I ranted. I talked. And I opened my heart and ears to suggestion.

The two situations that have my emotions living in Roller Coaster Central (thank you Joe) are so totally out of my control. One has me worried for a loved one; the other has me reacting to another alcoholic’s (one of my roommates) “acting out”. I was actually feeling better during support group, but found myself lightheaded and with a raging headache by the time I reached my car in the garage to come home.

I hate that I respond with physical symptoms to stress and resentment. It is proof positive to me that I have something to work through. There’s no room for denial when I’m suffering even the superficial effects of stroke level blood pressures. No matter how temporary.

This is a pretty undeniable illustration, in my life, of how unmanageability and resentments can kill me if I don’t follow a few simple steps.

So, when I got home, I worked through steps 1, 2, and 3 on my worry for my loved one, and worked a 4th step on the resentment with my roommate. And then I got to work with another alcoholic on plans for the final fundraiser for AALA.

Heavy sigh.

I feel better.

Who’s shocked?

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Back to the basics

I woke up this morning with dread. My first thought was “Why did I agree to facilitate that %@&! Big Book study at Fouse today?”. In the place I’m in lately, I just couldn’t come up with any valid reason (to me, at least) to do it. Blah, blah, blah. So I turned to my Daily Reflections and there was the answer.

As the 7 ladies retrieved their books from the shelves, I thought about how to proceed. After everyone was settled, I introduced myself and qualified briefly, then asked everyone to introduce themselves. I related to them how this was their group and often as I sat in the very chairs they were now in, I felt as if I didn’t count for much. We repeated the same things over and over, several times in a week, and my ideas for what to read next were seldom taken into account. I wanted this to be relevant to where they were today and how they were feeling. Most of them were pretty new and still feeling numb and didn’t have any suggestions. So I told them I had a Plan B in case this happened. They decided they would like to hear it. So I told them about my thoughts on wakening and read them the passage I had read earlier. I told them I’ve been struggling and not really following direction or living in the answers I found in the Big Book, so I needed to read Chapter 2, There Is A Solution. They loved that idea.

The next hour flew by. There was a lot of good discussion and relating to the Book and each other going on. I felt so much connection to the program and these women by the end and they invited me back. I’m on call, so to speak, to fill in for the regulars when they can’t honor their commitment for whatever reason, so I told them that I would love to help anytime I was given the opportunity. And I meant it.

I did follow through on attending the Women’s meeting tonight as Sponsor directed. She’ll be thrilled tomorrow at that, but even more so that I immediately introduced myself upon entering and picked up a few phone numbers. One of the women who directed me to sit next to her has a pretty extensive history in one of the fields I’m investigating in my career shift. She gave me a few ideas and offered to help me write a cover letter for my resume. I also ran into 3 women I know from other meetings and got their numbers as well. I outlined some of the difficulties I’ve been experiencing lately and found that again, I am not terminally unique.

So, though my basic physical situation hasn’t changed, I feel a change inside. A flicker of hope. And it’s as a direct result of putting my faith in Someone/Something other than me and just plain following direction. Whether I think I need to or not. I’m not the most objective person when it comes to knowing what I need. Huh.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Here comes the sun.

It’s amazing what a difference a day makes.

The shift in thinking. The feeling of being at ease. The acceptance of the right here and the right now.

My morning routine was somewhat disturbed by my alarm clock, but the benefit of watching the breathtaking morning sunrise was a gift. For the longest time after I was laid-off, I still awoke at 5 AM every day. It’s been only the past few weeks where I have “slept in” until 6:30 or 7:30. I made the decision to set my alarm as a commitment to attend the beach meeting. It gave me the time to pray and meditate, wash my face and brush my teeth (no need for a shower with the sand and salty air), fix my bed, brew coffee for my thermos, pack my beach bag, read some really great feedback and encouraging words from the blogging community, and glance at my email. Had I not set my alarm, I’m sure I would have come up with a thousand excuses not to go. It felt as if I had a purpose today. I liked that feeling.

I arrived 45 minutes early, set up my blanket, and got to the business of fellowship. The die-hards were there and immediately pulled me into conversation. They seem to have a 6th sense about things and show nothing but love and support when they’ve zeroed in on someone who appears to be struggling. I also got to talk with some people who don’t come there on a regular basis. These are people I’ve known my entire sobriety, but haven’t run into much in the past year. Our circumstances took us in different directions. In the 45 minutes prior to the meeting’s start, there was an instant, and natural feeling that I could exhale the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. I love this meeting. I love the surprises it holds. The meeting tripled in size due to the nicer weather, and it will only gain strength as the season progresses. I think I’ll keep setting my alarm on Sunday mornings. It’s a great way to start the week.

There was a school of about 8 dolphins playing in the surf. I noticed them during the 2 minute silent meditation. They remained just offshore for the entire meeting…an hour and a half. It’s odd they would stay so long. They usually meander south and around the point by the meeting’s midpoint. Today they went back and forth, directly in front of where the white flag was erected. The whole dolphin thing always excites me. Today more than usual.

The speaker was a young man of 28, who just celebrated his 9th Birthday. An amazing sober alcoholic whose focus is “right now”. I found my eyes turning to the dolphins throughout his share and the overwhelming fact that, for whatever reason, they were right here, right now. I doubt they were thinking about yesterday or planning tomorrow and beyond. This was their reality. And they were just fine.

I am here. Right here. Right now. Anything else is over and done with, or not yet happened. This is my reality. I'm just fine, too.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.