Piecing it all back together...

It’s been so long since I wrote a blog post that I feel a huge disconnect here. I don’t know where to start!

It’s been one month since my brother passed away. The reality of that hits me in waves. Little things seem to take me completely by surprise. Like today; I was driving in an unfamiliar area and noticed I was coming up on a cross street that was his name. It was surrounded by pine trees and I immediately choked up; tears overflowing. I remember watching him come home from the bus stop, taking a running start halfway down the block to hurdle one of the two Colorado Blue Spruce Trees planted in our front yard. Yes, they were small and I remember thinking how BIG my brother was. And still is. I will more than likely drive to that street, on purpose now, just to feel near him. I’m like that sometimes.

Moving last Saturday from my one room to my very own apartment was not as traumatizing as I had expected. A couple of people from the fellowship pitched in and I secured the services of 3 men from a local recovery home. When all was dropped into the center of the living room, all I could think of was getting everyone out. It only took 3 hours but I was physically and emotionally spent. Two of my friends wanted to stay and help me unpack, but that was something I couldn’t bear. There were boxes I hadn’t opened in over two years, and I knew I would want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings when I unwrapped precious as well as some probably very dark memories. Later in the week when I did that, I didn’t fall apart as I had anticipated. I was able to look at my past as a necessary part of me: good, bad, and ugly. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past 2 ½ years and am grateful that path brought me to where I am today.

The doctor added a beta blocker to my meds. A lot of the side effects I was experiencing were related to the fact that my resting heart rate was somewhere around 100. The BP was fine, and within hours of taking my first dose of the additional med, I was feeling much better. That was last Friday and it was a relief to not be experiencing the wildness I had been feeling inside during my move the next day. I feel 1000% better, if that’s possible. Tonight my ailments are, I think, due to either a sinus infection or an inner ear problem. Dizzy spells when I turn my head or refocus my eyes after tracking an object, and an overwhelming urge to vomit. Not fun. The fullness in my right ear lends me to believe it’s the inner ear thing, so I’ve been alternating ears with warm compresses. It seems to be helping but I didn’t want to push it this evening, so I’m snuggled in for the night. Vertigo is a scary symptom to me, especially when I’m driving or sitting still.

I spoke with Sponsor this evening (as I have every day for the past month, save twice when I just spaced it off) and explained what’s going on. We missed our meeting last week due to the move, and I really don’t want to miss this week, but I may stay home. I told her I’d play it by ear in the morning. (No pun intended, but it works here, huh?) She was firm in her direction that if I did not come that I’d better be doing a lot of writing. I did reassure her that I have continued to write nightly (though I have not posted anything here) and that while unpacking I found my step-work notebook and planned on picking back up where I left off on my 8th step before I got sick and the fit hit the shan in April in health and my personal life. The direction she has given me of late about the writing, and the specific area to focus, has been illuminating and I am grateful to be clearer in my perspective than I had been recently. I kind of got lost…rather…I lost touch with my program and I felt every bit of that bearing down on me in my words, thoughts, and my actions. I feel back on track now, and am amazed at how quickly one can run amok when a few simple things are “skipped”.

The holiday weekend brings so many thoughts and feelings that I will need to explore, so I see a ton of program work in my immediate future. The group I lead at Fouse on Monday afternoons has been canceled due to the holiday, so I will need to fill that time with something else recovery oriented. The regular Sunday beach meeting always holds a meeting on the holidays when they fall during the week, so I will start my day there. Who cares that I will be there the day before as well? They are a great bunch of people and I get to enjoy the ocean surf! I keep getting closer to asking for a commitment there. I don’t know what’s stopping me. This just may be a topic to talk about with Sponsor. Or it may be an opportunity to take contrary action. Hmm.

I apologize that this post is so disjointed. It has been a couple of weeks since I was here and just wanted to catch y’all up. (Yes I said “y’all. One can’t live in the South-ish for 17 years and not pick it up. I shudder to think what LA-isms I have adopted since being here! Maybe my AA Speak is enough.) In any event, thank you all for your comments and keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. It has been a character building time for me and without my sober fellowship, I don’t think I’d have gotten through it as relatively unscathed as I have. I am forever grateful.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

You can't always get what you want.

I went to my former, almost-roommate's apartment this morning to pick up a piece of mail. (I had changed my address, a little prematurely, and apparently the correction hasn't taken effect yet.) Being the trusting person he is, he messaged me that the key would be available in our pre-arranged location. In hindsight, I should have returned his message to let him know that I was on my way over. (Character defects can sneak up and smack you at the oddest times.) Instead, I arrived, unannounced. Upon entering the apartment, I heard his voice, then saw he was talking on the phone. His distress was obvious, as this kind, gentle man wears his emotions on his sleeve.

Through our brief association, I have come to adore him. We've bonded over CMA chips (of which I am not a fan...early recover story to follow someday), lumpia, stories about butterknives, wonderful dreams of sharing our new home with mutual friends, and then the disappointing blow to our plans. ( "Our plans". Therein lies the root of the problem.) We did what was asked of us by the landlord. We decided that if we are going to live our lives honestly, that is, differently than we have in the past, we would follow direction and not lie or cheat (AKA: manipulate) our way into what we wanted. I would not move in until the "approval" was final. We would leave the results to our Higher Powers and live in acceptance of whatever the outcome would be.

Ah, yes. Acceptance.

As it turns out, my credit is horrible. (Like THAT was a newsflash!) That was the basis for the denial. Funny how things work. I pushed ahead, without any knowledge of the details of my credit report, but imagining it was pretty bad. Talk about denial! (DENIAL=Don't Even Notice I Am Lying) So, my lesson here has been to take care of what's in front of me instead of living in the future. Things like finding a job, concentrating on my program, and performing financial amends. The amazing thing is, that I've looked at my report now, put it on paper, and when it comes down to an actual dollar amount, it's not a scary as I thought. Well...once I have a job, anyway. But that's another story for later.

Then there's the component of my current living situation. Which isn't horrible, in all honesty. What I was doing, in part, was running from one situation, to another without examining what my part in my discomfort here really is. That needs to change. Pronto. I am not a child who cannot stand up for herself. The roommate with which I have difficulty, may resemble my father and my ex-husband in many ways, but he is not them, nor is he responsible for my feelings. I forget who said this, but it certainly fits: "You are not responsible for the programming you picked up in childhood. However, as an adult, you are one hundred percent responsible for fixing it." So, I am resolved to live in the moment and do what's in front of me, today. Open my eyes to the reality. And change what I can about me.

Back to my former, almost-roommate. He too, made peace with the final decision. He began "nesting" and was doing his best to come to terms with the uncertainty he felt about living alone as a sober individual for the first time in a very long time. I was actually envious. While I dream to be living in a place of my own, I am not ready financially or strong enough in my recovery yet. His distress this morning was with his landlord. Apparently, he was served, just moments before I arrived, with a 3-day notice to vacate. He took the bit in his teeth and called the landlord to inquire into the infraction that would bring such a harsh action, only to be told that he was in violation of the lease by having an unauthorized tenant living with him. Oh, brother, did my brain grab this and run with it! See, again we go back to our "plans". Though I stayed in my current situation pending the final decision, I was so certain that this was a done deal, that I had my new (well, new to me) bedroom set delivered to his apartment a couple of days before we got the final "no". Then a week after the blow was delivered, had the bedroom set removed again. All of that activity spurred the resident snitch to phone the landlord. What a mess! My friend is facing eviction, and all I could think about was how I was at fault, or not at fault. Self-centered? You bet. But as I watched my dear friend, who has shown me nothing but kindness and compassion since we met 2 years ago, agonize over this terrible turn of events, I was suddenly mute. I ran some of the AA slogans through my head and decided to not utter a single one. Instead, I listened, hugged him, and left. Hopefully it was what he needed.

I don't know what lies ahead for my former, almost-roommate, nor do I know what lies ahead for me. I do know, however, that we each have grown in our recovery. We got what we needed. And we have grown in our friendship. Now all that's left is to accept it, learn from it, and pass it on.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

So, I'm starting a blog...

What am I thinking???  Why would I open myself up to scrutiny by publishing a blog?  Especially one that has my recovery from alcoholism at its foundation?  I don't really have an answer to that question myself.  I do, however, know, that through writing, I have made some of the most profound discoveries about myself.  These have helped me to grow as a person and extend myself to others suffering from the disease of alcoholism.  One of my favorite movies, "Pay It Forward", echoes but one cornerstone of the AA philosophy.  By helping others, we are helping ourselves.  The realizations I have made, and continue to experience about myself thoughout this journey may help another alcoholic.  If I can make a difference in just one other person's life, then I have accomplished much.

In the spirit of my handwritten journals, I will be open, honest, and non-editing.  What I post here will be my unique thought process.  I will maintain the anonymity of my fellowship, so please don't tear up the airwaves, BBM, tweet, Facebook, MySpace, Xanga, etc. by blabbering what you read about so-and-so.  And if what you read strikes a cord because it resembles you, please know that I am including it here, not for shock value or as a point of gossip, but because it has somehow touched a place deep within me. It has given me pause, provided an opportunity for self examination, led me to personal growth, and obviously helped me in my journey. 

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.