Is he alone who has Faith on one hand...?

Yesterday I felt so…alive. And loved. This is not how I expected to feel on another Mother’s Day without my own mother and without my children.

I set my alarm so that I would not sleep past the point of no return. I really wanted to start the day at the beach meeting, as I attempt to do for all holidays and “anniversary days”. The presence of HP is so palpable there. Between my illness and FW’s passing, it has been some weeks since I could go. I’m grateful I could do so yesterday.

I heard from all 3 of my chickadees before I even stepped foot on the sand. What a blessing! This wouldn’t have happened had I not turned my will and my life over to my HP 881 days ago. Thank you, God.

Mickey Bush was the speaker and delightful as always. I have heard him on many occasions on CD’s and a couple of times in person, but this was a small meeting, comparatively speaking, that facilitated a more intimate approach than he is accustomed. He gave me quite a few new tidbits. The topic he chose for the sharing portion was “powerlessness”. Boy, have the events of the last several weeks illustrated that concept clearly for me!

I am actually grateful for my powerlessness. The admission and acceptance of that has brought me to rely on a Power greater than myself in all situations. Had I not been able to embrace that idea, I’m sure I would be spinning out of control right now with all that is happening around me. It seems as if there is a relentless torrent of challenges beating down upon me and the only way to survive them is to admit my powerlessness and turn it all over to the One who has all power.

I do not believe that God “tests” me. I believe He places opportunities for growth in my path. A HUGE opportunity lies before me as I will be placed in a position I have longed for over the past several years, though not under these circumstances. (More than that I cannot divulge just yet. This is not fully MY story to tell.) What I know is that I cannot choose under what circumstances my dreams are fulfilled. God has a plan and I must have faith. And that, I do.

After the meeting, and my share about powerlessness and how it relates to me, I received much support from my fellows and was invited to breakfast, which I accepted. After all, it was Mother’s Day and it has been so long since I have been treated to breakfast on this day. The gentleman, who provided this treat, is also in a unique position to help me in the next leg of my journey of growth. And he has offered to do so. Surprisingly, I have accepted, which is difficult for me. It is difficult for all of us but I have learned that there is no shame in asking for help. Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me that. It has also taught me that by accepting help, I am helping someone else fulfill their own spiritual needs.

So, as I start my day today I am filled with hope for the future. Today everything is as God intends it to be. And as Mickey pointed out: I’m not living life on life’s terms; I am living life on God’s terms. There is tremendous comfort in believing that.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Getting back into the swing of things.

(The photo is for my sister. Let's see if she notices.)


The day was quiet. I did what was in front of me.

I got out of the house early and headed to Target to pick up a few things I’ve been doing without lately. A few essentials, and a few things, inexpensive, but not so essential. I didn’t go crazy…I can’t afford it.

Later this morning, I forced myself to complete some paperwork that is due in Sacramento by the 10th. I’ll have to pay extra in postage to make sure that happens. Unfortunately that’s the consequence of THAT particular character defect, but at least I care enough to make those arrangements. It wasn’t long ago that I would just drop it in the mailbox on the corner and then make up excuses, probably blaming the USPS for my procrastination.

I also responded, by phone, to an email from a potential employer with whom I placed an application for employment last week before I flew home. Initially, I was going to reply by email, but I decided the direct approach was more professional. As it turns out, I was able to secure a telephone interview for tomorrow morning. It’s quite a change from my area of expertise, but I am willing to learn a new area if that is what my HP has in store for me. And if this process of responding to an email and following through with the interview is just a learning experience, in and of itself, then that is what it will be. Everything is as it should be as long as I just do what’s in front of me to the best of my ability.

It felt wonderful to be back at my Wednesday night meeting. The love and support that was offered felt so comforting. Many of the group knew of my recent difficulties, a few did not. I did share from the podium about my illness and FW’s passing and how numb I feel right now. It felt incredibly healing to give the wonderful men in that room who have been with me since day one through EVERYTHING, an opportunity to be my anchors. As usual, they stepped up to the plate and I felt safe crying in their arms. We fellowshipped following the meeting, though I wasn’t hungry or in the mood. Being able to listen and respond to others’ interests came a little easier today than in the past couple of weeks, yet my heart was still not fully present. At least I made the effort by accepting the invitation and staying a respectable length of time. And as a bonus, I have leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

I just realized that I am making progress with some of my more glaring character defects just through my behaviors today.

I guess it does work, as long as I’m willing to do the work.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Much needed downtime.

I still feel so disjointed. For the first time ever, since I have been flying non-revenue with SC’s buddy passes, I did not make the flight which I originally selected. It’s no big deal. I’m in no rush to get home. I’m just grateful I have a sister who loves and supports me, and shares her buddy passes freely. And I’m grateful Navy son is tech savvy enough to have set up my laptop to get an internet connection via my phone so that I have something to do while I wait here, and possibly again in Tucson. Again, that would be no big deal. The trip out here was a whirlwind and I didn’t have time to just “be”. Maybe this is HP’s way of slowin’ it (me) down. Though I am in the middle of a crowded airport terminal, I get the chance to be “alone” with my thoughts and feelings for the first time since I landed on Wednesday.

I’m not sure the realization of this whole nightmare has hit me yet. It is much more real for FW’s wife and children, and for the family and friends who had him physically present in their daily lives. I know that when the reality hits, that I have a support group in the fellowship to help me every step of the way. For that I am truly blessed.

So as I sit here and try to pass the time, I also try to process the interpersonal dynamics of the past several days. It’s amazing to have been sober and clear headed through this. And there is a lot to discuss and process with sponsor and friends. I’m not certain how quickly I will be able to do that. I may need just a day or so to lock myself up and cry. Or I might not.

Guess I’ll just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Back to the basics

I woke up this morning with dread. My first thought was “Why did I agree to facilitate that %@&! Big Book study at Fouse today?”. In the place I’m in lately, I just couldn’t come up with any valid reason (to me, at least) to do it. Blah, blah, blah. So I turned to my Daily Reflections and there was the answer.

As the 7 ladies retrieved their books from the shelves, I thought about how to proceed. After everyone was settled, I introduced myself and qualified briefly, then asked everyone to introduce themselves. I related to them how this was their group and often as I sat in the very chairs they were now in, I felt as if I didn’t count for much. We repeated the same things over and over, several times in a week, and my ideas for what to read next were seldom taken into account. I wanted this to be relevant to where they were today and how they were feeling. Most of them were pretty new and still feeling numb and didn’t have any suggestions. So I told them I had a Plan B in case this happened. They decided they would like to hear it. So I told them about my thoughts on wakening and read them the passage I had read earlier. I told them I’ve been struggling and not really following direction or living in the answers I found in the Big Book, so I needed to read Chapter 2, There Is A Solution. They loved that idea.

The next hour flew by. There was a lot of good discussion and relating to the Book and each other going on. I felt so much connection to the program and these women by the end and they invited me back. I’m on call, so to speak, to fill in for the regulars when they can’t honor their commitment for whatever reason, so I told them that I would love to help anytime I was given the opportunity. And I meant it.

I did follow through on attending the Women’s meeting tonight as Sponsor directed. She’ll be thrilled tomorrow at that, but even more so that I immediately introduced myself upon entering and picked up a few phone numbers. One of the women who directed me to sit next to her has a pretty extensive history in one of the fields I’m investigating in my career shift. She gave me a few ideas and offered to help me write a cover letter for my resume. I also ran into 3 women I know from other meetings and got their numbers as well. I outlined some of the difficulties I’ve been experiencing lately and found that again, I am not terminally unique.

So, though my basic physical situation hasn’t changed, I feel a change inside. A flicker of hope. And it’s as a direct result of putting my faith in Someone/Something other than me and just plain following direction. Whether I think I need to or not. I’m not the most objective person when it comes to knowing what I need. Huh.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Feeling...

A veil of melancholy is covering me today. I miss my mom. As it so often happens when “celebrating” the anniversary of a significant event, my thoughts have taken me to the dangerous neighborhood of sorrow and regret.

I cancelled an evening meeting tonight with my “date” from the fundraiser of last week. We were to go to a new meeting he wanted to try in Long Beach. I’m just not feeling social. I had read his FB post about visiting his mother in the hospital earlier in the day; first there was envy, then floods of memories of visiting my own mother in the hospital 7 years ago came rushing back. Instead of making excuses when I phoned, I was honest about my need to just "be" tonight. Sometimes I feel the need to sit with the feelings I was so accustomed to erasing with alcohol. It's a miracle to be able to acknowledge and survive their existence now. He was loving and supportive and truly a blessing in my life.

Before I left Mom's hospital room the evening of the 20th, she tried to tell me not to “bother” coming to visit the next day. She didn’t want to be a burden. She wanted me to go to work and not let her illness worry me or alter my plans. (She was always saying things like that which leads me to believe she was unaware of her profound importance in the lives of those who loved her.) My baby brother was there with me and we sat with her for a while as she faded in and out of sleep. We were both there when the priest came to perform The Anointing Of The Sick. I remember feeling alone in the moments immediately following the prayer. Incredibly alone. There was a dread that settled in my heart as we left her. That dread has resurfaced today. And the pain is as crippling now as it was then.

Thankfully, I was blessed to be with her as she passed from her earthly life to her eternal life the following afternoon. Those memories I will put away until tomorrow.

I am starting my day tomorrow at one of my favorite meetings on the beach. The tumultuous crashing of the surf somehow brings me peace and that is where I feel most connected to my Higher Power. I didn’t used to seek God in times of emotional distress. I used to escape into the alcoholic abyss. Today, prayer is my first thought; my first action.

And that is how I choose to honor my mother.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.