The Keys To The Kingdom

I am now a proud tenant in Hollywood. Well, I signed the lease today and received the keys and garage remote. I spent 1 ½ hours taking pictures, measuring spaces and phoning friends from my new apartment. I even used the restroom and sat on the floor of the balcony.

This is a huge step, especially without a job. But again, circumstances are such that this was unavoidable. I must have faith that just as this opportunity materialized as I needed it, so too will a job, if I continue to be open-minded and willing to do what is in front of me in my quest.

As the feelings of elation ebbed just I little bit, I took my leave and headed to FH for dinner and a meeting. On the drive over, I thought of the chosen menu for today: Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. It was the House’s Director’s 39th Sober Birthday on the 10th, and it is always Thanksgiving Dinner for dinner the day she takes her cake. For me, it was fitting also. I have much for which to be grateful; today and every day.

I did, however eat too much. So much so, that I passed on the cake. Not like me at all. I don’t know whether it was over-consumption, or the anxiety of committing to a lease of my very own, or the lingering side effects (tachycardia) of the new drug, but I got to feeling pretty puny as the meeting started. I left rather abruptly once the meeting ended without the customary post-meeting chit-chat. I just needed to get home.

Tomorrow I will rest. I have no pressing issues, no errands to run. My trusty laptop will allow me to stay in bed and still perform my daily job search. Something I have not been able to do since I left for Chicago 2 weeks ago. Oh, yes, the car will need to be moved to avoid a ticket, but this doesn’t bother me as it used to. I now see a light at the end of THAT tunnel. :-)

I think I’ll need to say a little prayer (or 2 or 3...) that I overcome a particular set of character defects daily during the next couple of weeks before I move so that my car doesn’t get the boot. Sometimes knowing there’s relief ahead can bring out the worst in them, and me. Before Alcoholics Anonymous my car would have gotten the boot many, many times over. And I'd be broke from getting my car out of hock. (That is, of course, if I even noticed it was gone and/or could get sober enough to go through the gyrations of getting it back.)

I'm so grateful today to be able to anticipate the consequences of the many facets of my personality quirks. It doesn't mean I'm perfect, but I am learning.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Que Sera Sera

Events seem to be moving at warp speed and totally out of logical order in my life lately. But that is MY perspective. I’ve come to understand over the past several weeks that everything is as it should be in God’s world. If I question or complain it only serves to place me out of step with God’s will. Each time I round a corner or navigate the opportunities for growth God places in front of me (some may call them “tests”), another circumstance is presented. I feel as if I haven’t time to recover or take a deep breath, yet I am grateful. The forward progress and amazingly calm, unflustered manner in which I am “handling” these issues, is a welcome, yet alien feeling.

In the next couple of weeks, I will be moving into a new apartment. When the deal fell through with my former almost roommate in March, I never dreamed that this would happen so soon, or as quickly as it fell together. Circumstances have made this a necessity. (I apologize for the vagueness, but again, much of this is not my story to tell at this time. When it is common knowledge, I will speak freely. It must be frustrating to read my thoughts without being privy to all the details.) I disclosed this decision and the reason to my roommates last night. I was slightly apprehensive because of the last “moving debacle” but said a prayer God would provide the right words and the acceptance of whatever developed from there. They were loving and supportive and concerned. Appropriately. It is a bittersweet event for all involved and I feel good about the outcome.

None of this would be happening if I were not sober.

*I would not have a friend with the ability to get me into a VERY nice apartment in Hollywood for not much more than I am paying for one room in the Mid-Wilshire area.
*I would not have the clarity to take care of what is in front of me, today, and not try to control the results.
*I would not have faith that the work I am doing today will take care of the future.
*I would not be a woman who could be trusted to do what she says she’s going to do.
*I would not be grateful to be in this position.
*I would not have an entire network of friends and resources from which to draw strength in the weeks and months to come.
*I would not know a loving God who wants me to be happy, joyous, and free.
*I would not be living my heart’s desire in the next couple of weeks, however difficult it may appear to be from today’s vantage point.

I am grateful beyond belief today that all of those “would not’s” do not exist. Life may not be the way I envisioned at one time in my life, but I’m at peace with how it is today.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Is he alone who has Faith on one hand...?

Yesterday I felt so…alive. And loved. This is not how I expected to feel on another Mother’s Day without my own mother and without my children.

I set my alarm so that I would not sleep past the point of no return. I really wanted to start the day at the beach meeting, as I attempt to do for all holidays and “anniversary days”. The presence of HP is so palpable there. Between my illness and FW’s passing, it has been some weeks since I could go. I’m grateful I could do so yesterday.

I heard from all 3 of my chickadees before I even stepped foot on the sand. What a blessing! This wouldn’t have happened had I not turned my will and my life over to my HP 881 days ago. Thank you, God.

Mickey Bush was the speaker and delightful as always. I have heard him on many occasions on CD’s and a couple of times in person, but this was a small meeting, comparatively speaking, that facilitated a more intimate approach than he is accustomed. He gave me quite a few new tidbits. The topic he chose for the sharing portion was “powerlessness”. Boy, have the events of the last several weeks illustrated that concept clearly for me!

I am actually grateful for my powerlessness. The admission and acceptance of that has brought me to rely on a Power greater than myself in all situations. Had I not been able to embrace that idea, I’m sure I would be spinning out of control right now with all that is happening around me. It seems as if there is a relentless torrent of challenges beating down upon me and the only way to survive them is to admit my powerlessness and turn it all over to the One who has all power.

I do not believe that God “tests” me. I believe He places opportunities for growth in my path. A HUGE opportunity lies before me as I will be placed in a position I have longed for over the past several years, though not under these circumstances. (More than that I cannot divulge just yet. This is not fully MY story to tell.) What I know is that I cannot choose under what circumstances my dreams are fulfilled. God has a plan and I must have faith. And that, I do.

After the meeting, and my share about powerlessness and how it relates to me, I received much support from my fellows and was invited to breakfast, which I accepted. After all, it was Mother’s Day and it has been so long since I have been treated to breakfast on this day. The gentleman, who provided this treat, is also in a unique position to help me in the next leg of my journey of growth. And he has offered to do so. Surprisingly, I have accepted, which is difficult for me. It is difficult for all of us but I have learned that there is no shame in asking for help. Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me that. It has also taught me that by accepting help, I am helping someone else fulfill their own spiritual needs.

So, as I start my day today I am filled with hope for the future. Today everything is as God intends it to be. And as Mickey pointed out: I’m not living life on life’s terms; I am living life on God’s terms. There is tremendous comfort in believing that.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

I don't like being a patient.

Doctor said to give it another week or so. These side effects are twofold. The adjustment of my physiological symptoms back to “normal” is not yet complete, and my body has been compensating for a far longer period of time than it has been allowed to “rest”. I’m really kind of pleased he has a working knowledge of the alcoholic mind and knows how to settle me down. He says things like “trust the process” and “you didn’t get this way overnight so it’s going to take a little time” and “remember how you felt when you were newly sober, this is like that”. Then there are times it irks me that he knows so much about the alcoholic mind. My mind. I can’t bullshit him.

Again, this all comes back to acceptance, faith, and surrender, I think. Steps 1, 2, and 3. I just have to apply it differently. I spoke with Sponsor earlier about this very issue.

As a medical professional, I have just enough information to be dangerous to myself. (Self-will) I have a hard time accepting that I just can’t control what’s going on with my aging body. Oh, there are certain things I could be doing differently to improve the process and not exacerbate those things to which I am genetically predisposed. I just don’t. (More self-will) Little to no physical activity, an exclusively caffeine liquid intake, poor diet, and smoking can only lead me down one road. By placing myself in this position through much of my own action, or inaction, I am ignoring the consequences. And persisting in this way of life in spite of them. And adding to the unmanageability. (I can’t.)

Doctor is specially trained to deal with these issues; I am not. He has years of experience with countless drugs and patients; I have read a few things about this particular drug. I may know how my body feels right now; he knows how it will feel later. He knows what my options are now and later; I have tunnel vision focusing on my limitations. He is objective; I am self serving. (Someone else can.)

So based on all that I don’t know, I’m going to have to put my faith in Doctor. I’ll have to ask questions, listen to the answers, and follow his direction. In addition, I’ll have to put my ego aside and be honest with him about my progress. (I think I’ll let him.)

What comes next is hopefully a better enjoyment of life if I am honest, open-minded and willing. I know through practicing the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous as it relates to the disease of alcoholism that I can recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Why not give this a shot too?

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Just take it back.

I don’t like how I’m feeling. It seems as if I feel worse on this medication than off of it. I’m stuck in the middle of stubborn acceptance of these side effects and calling Doctor to inquire about another drug. I know only too well that there is no easier, softer way, yet there’s got to be a something that doesn’t decrease the quality of my life.

Doctor is the one educated in these matters, however, I am the one stuck inside this body that seems to be turning on me. How much faith do I place in him and his personal and professional experience with this drug? Sponsor thinks it would be a good idea to call him today. And that is my plan. Yet it’s hard to swallow that this may be the wrong drug for which I paid out-of-pocket. I have only used 5 pills of 30. What a waste. And there are no refunds. (I don’t know why I just giggled at that…)

Refunds, huh? When something doesn’t fit or work, we take it back. It’s sometimes a hassle, but for the most part we walk away with something more suitable to our needs/wants. Or so we think. Sometimes we come home with nothing as there was no acceptable replacement. Sometimes we do this on our own, but sometimes we discuss our bad decision with someone else and get their ideas before we take action.

In any of those scenarios, we’re acting on faith, in a way. Faith that whatever the result, our needs will be met. We either enjoy our new item or learn to live without it, and somewhere in the back of our minds we keep an eye open for the perfect fit. Always hoping.

I don’t know why this seems so significant to me today. But there is something here that obviously needs a closer look.

Oh, joy...

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Back to the basics

I woke up this morning with dread. My first thought was “Why did I agree to facilitate that %@&! Big Book study at Fouse today?”. In the place I’m in lately, I just couldn’t come up with any valid reason (to me, at least) to do it. Blah, blah, blah. So I turned to my Daily Reflections and there was the answer.

As the 7 ladies retrieved their books from the shelves, I thought about how to proceed. After everyone was settled, I introduced myself and qualified briefly, then asked everyone to introduce themselves. I related to them how this was their group and often as I sat in the very chairs they were now in, I felt as if I didn’t count for much. We repeated the same things over and over, several times in a week, and my ideas for what to read next were seldom taken into account. I wanted this to be relevant to where they were today and how they were feeling. Most of them were pretty new and still feeling numb and didn’t have any suggestions. So I told them I had a Plan B in case this happened. They decided they would like to hear it. So I told them about my thoughts on wakening and read them the passage I had read earlier. I told them I’ve been struggling and not really following direction or living in the answers I found in the Big Book, so I needed to read Chapter 2, There Is A Solution. They loved that idea.

The next hour flew by. There was a lot of good discussion and relating to the Book and each other going on. I felt so much connection to the program and these women by the end and they invited me back. I’m on call, so to speak, to fill in for the regulars when they can’t honor their commitment for whatever reason, so I told them that I would love to help anytime I was given the opportunity. And I meant it.

I did follow through on attending the Women’s meeting tonight as Sponsor directed. She’ll be thrilled tomorrow at that, but even more so that I immediately introduced myself upon entering and picked up a few phone numbers. One of the women who directed me to sit next to her has a pretty extensive history in one of the fields I’m investigating in my career shift. She gave me a few ideas and offered to help me write a cover letter for my resume. I also ran into 3 women I know from other meetings and got their numbers as well. I outlined some of the difficulties I’ve been experiencing lately and found that again, I am not terminally unique.

So, though my basic physical situation hasn’t changed, I feel a change inside. A flicker of hope. And it’s as a direct result of putting my faith in Someone/Something other than me and just plain following direction. Whether I think I need to or not. I’m not the most objective person when it comes to knowing what I need. Huh.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

(Un)Comfort Zone

Most of the day was spent looking for jobs. Hours of scouring the “careers” tab on websites, setting up profiles, etc. The prospects are grim.

After 26 years in my field, you would think I could walk in, apply, and walk out with an offer. I think under normal circumstances, whatever they may be, I could do that. My field is always in need of experienced people. With the economy as it is, the fact that I have become highly specialized without the benefit of the advanced degrees required today, and the amends process to my profession in which I am participating, my options are limited to the level of what feels like a stranglehold.

The reality of having to switching specialties is becoming more and more plausible. And with that comes a tremendous amount of fear.

Which brings me to the question: How willing am I? Not very. Pride is a huge stumbling block right now.

When I think about my earliest days of sobriety, there was no question I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to end the pain. I didn’t even think about the future. In fact, I didn’t think at all. I just did. Whatever I was told. And had faith it would get better. And things started happening. Good things. Things I couldn’t bring myself to hope.

Maybe this will be the same. Swallow that lump of pride that’s acting like an albatross around my neck, and apply for positions out of my comfort zone, not as specialized, and not as “glamorous”. Just be willing to do what it takes, and have faith.

Willingness, huh? I guess this is just another area where I need to “practice these principles in all my affairs”.

Better get to work on that.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

The first step.

I haven’t been feeling well the past few days. My stomach is kind of feeble and my head feels like it is swimming. The physical aches are there, too, though not as bothersome. The combination of the three makes me feel disoriented. I am performing those things that are really only the bare minimum as I have no energy. I wonder if I’m coming down with something, or if clinical depression is settling in for an extended visit.

I’ve neglected my laundry and cleaning my room and bathrooms. My desk is piled with clutter. It’s not terribly disconcerting. I feel as though it reflects my current state of affairs.

I am not working and that is definitely a source of angst. Yet I can’t seem to get serious about my search. I think there’s a certain sense of shame I’m feeling over having been laid off. It’s not rational. For the first time since my spiral into the abyss of alcoholism, I did nothing to bring this unfortunate result. I was a worker among workers. I showed up on time, even early, every day. I didn’t goof off while I was at work. I stayed late. I went above and beyond my job description when my director was on an extended medical leave, performing her duties as well as mine. And above all else, I didn’t drink.

So why am I in such fear? It wasn’t the ideal job. There were many downfalls. If I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now about the company, the people, and the philosophy, I probably wouldn’t take the job. The biggest source of distress was acting as interim director. It put me in such a position to remember and feel every horrendous feeling I had at my last position. Without the ability to blot it all out without the aid of alcohol. I was angry I was again in a position that brought such unpleasantness. I didn’t like myself much back then, and those feelings came creeping back to the surface. I heaved a sigh of relief when the director returned, though I doubted her ability to continue in her position. The few months I worked with her, I felt like I was looking at myself in a mirror from 2 ½ years ago. I think that was the scariest thing about it all. (I’m saving her a seat.) I was starting to become that person again in my thoughts. A week after her return, I was downsized. I’ve come to believe that God did for me what I could (or would) not do for myself.

Sigh. It’s uncomfortable to try to explain my job-hopping in an interview. I don’t want to have to go through that again, then jump at the first offer I receive, only to have it end up like this. I am good at what I do. Very good. And I love it. Why am I feeling so paralyzed now?

Illness or depression? Sloth or fear? Victim of the economy or shame?

It doesn’t matter I guess. I just need to start putting one foot in front of the other. Whether I feel like it or not. And leave the results up to God.

I don’t need to see the whole staircase. I just need to take the first step in faith. (Credit: Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.)

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Letting go.

There’s a dove that visits the telephone wires adjacent to my balcony on a regular basis. I used to be filled with fear when I sighted a dove. Years ago, someone once told me that they symbolized an imminent death. This young girl saw two of them in the bushes in front of my home as my now ex-husband and I were out for the evening and she was babysitting our children. She was relieved when we came home unscathed. The image was a frightening one. I can be fairly superstitious.

Since I have been in recovery, I have come to embrace the sighting of a dove. For me, a dove often appears when I am troubled about a decision that either lies before me or one I have just made. After some "Googling" and inquiries to friends, I feel more comfortable with the symbolism of peace for the dove. And since I feel a sense of inner peace when one makes itself known to me during troubled times, that is the symbolism I choose to believe.

I was uneasy this evening as I sat on my balcony. There are many issues weighing on my mind. My focus was particularly set on one of these issues, and after much prayer and meditation tonight as well as over the past several months, I felt I had my answer. My heart ached because while it is the right decision, there’s a part of me that will grieve because it requires that I let go. As a feeling of cautious relief came, it was accompanied by tears. And then it happened. This dove, who has alighted on the telephone wires across the parkway on many occasions over the past year, glided to perch on the edge of the table which sat no further than 2 feet away from me. She sat there, very still, very quiet, for perhaps 2 minutes with the wind blowing her feathers. Before she flew away, she turned her entire body towards me and lowered her head as if in a bowing gesture. And then she was gone.

I think I have my answer. Now if I can only let go in faith.


Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Stirred, not shaken.

Oh, I know the quote is “shaken, not stirred”, but in this case, for me, it’s the other way around. I woke at 4:05 AM to a 4.4 magnitude earthquake. Not unusual for Southern California. What is unique is the gratitude I feel …and why.

The obvious why is that with so many devastating earthquakes occurring worldwide, one cannot help feeling grateful to have survived. My heart continues to go out to those suffering in Haiti and Chile. This was just a little rock-n-roll, centered 10 miles from where I am. No life altering consequences for me or my friends. Plenty of opportunity for reflection though.

My blessings are of a different sort. The first two earthquakes that I experienced when I moved to Los Angeles 3 years ago were during the active phase of my alcoholism. I slept, or rather remained passed out, through the first, and the second became an instant drama with which I saw a way to glean sympathy from my family. By that time, though, my family had long since stopped paying any attention to my histrionics. I was an active fault-line in their lives prone to wreak havoc without any provocation whatsoever.

I have experienced many earthquakes since then. A jolt of electricity always ran through my mind and my body, giving way to fear, and yes, excitement. Today, though I was stirred from my slumber, I was not shaken. I was fully in the moment. My concern did not become a vessel to manufacture concern, pity, or attention from friends or family. Instead, I turned to prayers of thanks that this wasn’t “the big one” and prayers for those whose lives have been forever altered by acts of Mother Nature. I rejoice in God’s plan, though I have NO idea what that is. I have a faith today that can be stirred, but not shaken. I wish the same for all of my fellows.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.