Piecing it all back together...

It’s been so long since I wrote a blog post that I feel a huge disconnect here. I don’t know where to start!

It’s been one month since my brother passed away. The reality of that hits me in waves. Little things seem to take me completely by surprise. Like today; I was driving in an unfamiliar area and noticed I was coming up on a cross street that was his name. It was surrounded by pine trees and I immediately choked up; tears overflowing. I remember watching him come home from the bus stop, taking a running start halfway down the block to hurdle one of the two Colorado Blue Spruce Trees planted in our front yard. Yes, they were small and I remember thinking how BIG my brother was. And still is. I will more than likely drive to that street, on purpose now, just to feel near him. I’m like that sometimes.

Moving last Saturday from my one room to my very own apartment was not as traumatizing as I had expected. A couple of people from the fellowship pitched in and I secured the services of 3 men from a local recovery home. When all was dropped into the center of the living room, all I could think of was getting everyone out. It only took 3 hours but I was physically and emotionally spent. Two of my friends wanted to stay and help me unpack, but that was something I couldn’t bear. There were boxes I hadn’t opened in over two years, and I knew I would want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings when I unwrapped precious as well as some probably very dark memories. Later in the week when I did that, I didn’t fall apart as I had anticipated. I was able to look at my past as a necessary part of me: good, bad, and ugly. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past 2 ½ years and am grateful that path brought me to where I am today.

The doctor added a beta blocker to my meds. A lot of the side effects I was experiencing were related to the fact that my resting heart rate was somewhere around 100. The BP was fine, and within hours of taking my first dose of the additional med, I was feeling much better. That was last Friday and it was a relief to not be experiencing the wildness I had been feeling inside during my move the next day. I feel 1000% better, if that’s possible. Tonight my ailments are, I think, due to either a sinus infection or an inner ear problem. Dizzy spells when I turn my head or refocus my eyes after tracking an object, and an overwhelming urge to vomit. Not fun. The fullness in my right ear lends me to believe it’s the inner ear thing, so I’ve been alternating ears with warm compresses. It seems to be helping but I didn’t want to push it this evening, so I’m snuggled in for the night. Vertigo is a scary symptom to me, especially when I’m driving or sitting still.

I spoke with Sponsor this evening (as I have every day for the past month, save twice when I just spaced it off) and explained what’s going on. We missed our meeting last week due to the move, and I really don’t want to miss this week, but I may stay home. I told her I’d play it by ear in the morning. (No pun intended, but it works here, huh?) She was firm in her direction that if I did not come that I’d better be doing a lot of writing. I did reassure her that I have continued to write nightly (though I have not posted anything here) and that while unpacking I found my step-work notebook and planned on picking back up where I left off on my 8th step before I got sick and the fit hit the shan in April in health and my personal life. The direction she has given me of late about the writing, and the specific area to focus, has been illuminating and I am grateful to be clearer in my perspective than I had been recently. I kind of got lost…rather…I lost touch with my program and I felt every bit of that bearing down on me in my words, thoughts, and my actions. I feel back on track now, and am amazed at how quickly one can run amok when a few simple things are “skipped”.

The holiday weekend brings so many thoughts and feelings that I will need to explore, so I see a ton of program work in my immediate future. The group I lead at Fouse on Monday afternoons has been canceled due to the holiday, so I will need to fill that time with something else recovery oriented. The regular Sunday beach meeting always holds a meeting on the holidays when they fall during the week, so I will start my day there. Who cares that I will be there the day before as well? They are a great bunch of people and I get to enjoy the ocean surf! I keep getting closer to asking for a commitment there. I don’t know what’s stopping me. This just may be a topic to talk about with Sponsor. Or it may be an opportunity to take contrary action. Hmm.

I apologize that this post is so disjointed. It has been a couple of weeks since I was here and just wanted to catch y’all up. (Yes I said “y’all. One can’t live in the South-ish for 17 years and not pick it up. I shudder to think what LA-isms I have adopted since being here! Maybe my AA Speak is enough.) In any event, thank you all for your comments and keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. It has been a character building time for me and without my sober fellowship, I don’t think I’d have gotten through it as relatively unscathed as I have. I am forever grateful.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Don't EVEN go there!

While I was making my bed this morning (something I did NOT do for many years), I knocked over one of the crystal chicks that sit on my bedside table. I bought the set of Mama and 3 chicks for my mother’s collection many years ago to represent me and my 3 children. (Why I did not search for a Papa to add to the set to include my then-husband is an area of my subconscious I have yet to explore.) Once certain items were returned to the original “givers”, Mom’s collections of crystal figurines and Hummels were distributed evenly among her children after she passed away, which is how I have them now. As I righted the chick, my brain was immediately filled with superstition. Which of my chicks was in trouble?

Though my first inclination was to call each of them to find out if they were “okay”, I refrained. (That is what I would have done in years past to bring my “amazing mother’s love and intuition” to their attention. Oh, the drama!) Instead, I pushed the thought out of my mind. I do not like the tremendous pain I feel over their physical absence in my life. I do not like to visit the sad memories of how my active disease led to them moving far away from me to live with their father. I do not like to dwell in the wreckage I have caused in their lives. Yet I know I must.

In working Step 8 and Step 9, I chose originally to start with my children: the 3 people to which I believe I owe my biggest and most difficult amends. I am relying on my Step 4 inventory as an outline for the amends. It is an emotionally overwhelming undertaking to again be assaulted by my own actions. I thought once I did Step 5, I was home free. Sigh. Alas I was wrong. (You old timers can stop laughing at me anytime now. My sponsor has already done so for that statement!) I am reminded of the following quote, taken from page 49 of the 12 & 12: “Pride says ‘You need not pass this way,’ and Fear says, ‘You dare not look!’” In my humble opinion, this goes for Step 8 and Step 9 as well.

My sponsor suggested that I get a few less difficult amends under my belt before attempting amends to my children (WHEW!) and concentrate on remaining a responsible, consistent presence in their lives; even if from a distance. I trust her wisdom and experience though I am impatient and just want it done. Not an alcoholic characteristic at all, is it?

My brain has been busy this week. I am exhausted. But a very good friend, and fellow alcoholic, told me that step work done thoroughly is indeed exhausting. If my level of emotional fatigue is any indication, my work is solid.

Making my bed every morning and righting a chick serve as very important reminders to me.
1. New habits can be learned and enjoyed.
2. Righting things immediately helps to eliminate future chaos and fear. (Sounds suspiciously like Step 10)
3. I am not the person I was a little over 2 years ago that thrived on manufactured drama.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.