The Keys To The Kingdom

I am now a proud tenant in Hollywood. Well, I signed the lease today and received the keys and garage remote. I spent 1 ½ hours taking pictures, measuring spaces and phoning friends from my new apartment. I even used the restroom and sat on the floor of the balcony.

This is a huge step, especially without a job. But again, circumstances are such that this was unavoidable. I must have faith that just as this opportunity materialized as I needed it, so too will a job, if I continue to be open-minded and willing to do what is in front of me in my quest.

As the feelings of elation ebbed just I little bit, I took my leave and headed to FH for dinner and a meeting. On the drive over, I thought of the chosen menu for today: Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. It was the House’s Director’s 39th Sober Birthday on the 10th, and it is always Thanksgiving Dinner for dinner the day she takes her cake. For me, it was fitting also. I have much for which to be grateful; today and every day.

I did, however eat too much. So much so, that I passed on the cake. Not like me at all. I don’t know whether it was over-consumption, or the anxiety of committing to a lease of my very own, or the lingering side effects (tachycardia) of the new drug, but I got to feeling pretty puny as the meeting started. I left rather abruptly once the meeting ended without the customary post-meeting chit-chat. I just needed to get home.

Tomorrow I will rest. I have no pressing issues, no errands to run. My trusty laptop will allow me to stay in bed and still perform my daily job search. Something I have not been able to do since I left for Chicago 2 weeks ago. Oh, yes, the car will need to be moved to avoid a ticket, but this doesn’t bother me as it used to. I now see a light at the end of THAT tunnel. :-)

I think I’ll need to say a little prayer (or 2 or 3...) that I overcome a particular set of character defects daily during the next couple of weeks before I move so that my car doesn’t get the boot. Sometimes knowing there’s relief ahead can bring out the worst in them, and me. Before Alcoholics Anonymous my car would have gotten the boot many, many times over. And I'd be broke from getting my car out of hock. (That is, of course, if I even noticed it was gone and/or could get sober enough to go through the gyrations of getting it back.)

I'm so grateful today to be able to anticipate the consequences of the many facets of my personality quirks. It doesn't mean I'm perfect, but I am learning.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Mommy-ness

With Mother’s Day being tomorrow, I was feeling kind of down. Having seen my children last week for FW’s funeral and not spending as much time with them as I would have liked, I was beginning to doubt my “mommy-ness”. Well, those feelings are fading quickly as I think about the day.

Navy son and I talk almost daily, and about some pretty heavy stuff. He’s been going through a rough time and has Liberty until tomorrow afternoon. Since he told me he would be off-base with his friends, I decided to give him some mommy-free space. I think he needs it.

Firstborn called this evening because she was feeling sick with a relentless cough. She needed my advice. And, she followed through with my suggestions, feeling just a little better tonight. During the NASCAR race she texted me when my favorite driver was wrecked and taken out of the race. We then texted back and forth about our favorite drivers and our “hated” drivers. It was really kind of neat. It warms my heart to know she still comes to me when she feels sick, and thinks of me when she is doing something she knows I enjoy.

Tomorrow is my regular day to phone my baby girl. I will do so from the beach or on my return home after the meeting. No need to alter our routine one day out of the year.

So, as it turns out, I don’t need Mother’s Day flowers, cards, or gifts to feel loved and appreciated after all. I’m a mommy every day. And I feel eternally blessed that I am sober and present for my children in all the ways that matter.

As for my mommy: She is my own very special angel and I miss her terribly, but I know that she lives on in my heart and my spirit. She is with me every day in all the ways that count.

What a blessing to live my life this way.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Green in, green out.

So I chose to not wear green today. Call me a renegade. Since my favorite color is, in fact, green, and I wear it all the time, St. Patrick’s Day does not offer me any inspiration to alter my choice of attire on a Wednesday.

Being a natural redhead, with a feisty temperament, I am mistaken for a person of Irish descent all the time. One of my roommates was born and raised in Ireland (any wonder that he is the roommate with whom I clash?) and when we first met, he called me “Irish”. It was endearing, though I often wondered if it was because he couldn’t remember my name or if he was making a reference to my attitude. He is proud of his heritage and I now believe it was meant as a compliment.

Today everyone is Irish. Everything is green. And I am no exception.

My baby brother is all about the Shamrock Shakes. Gosh how I used to love them as a child! Having followed his craving for the wonderful treat for the past 2 weeks, I got a bee in my bonnet to have one…today only. (See? I can inject green activities into my day.) Absolutely delightful memories came flooding back with the first slurp. Anyone who grew up in a large family where sending someone out for McDonald’s was a rare (and expensive) treat, can understand. We may have rarely been able to order a Happy Meal or Big Mac, but we could get a (small) Shamrock Shake. Today it’s a symbol for me of what sacrifices my parents made for us. And I am grateful to know and truly feel that I was loved and cared for, in the unique way that only my parents could have done.

As I take in the pleasure of the minty green shake, I think about the green that is flowing out. Money.

A few things set me off kilter this morning and I had my feet firmly planted in avoidance. So when I finally went out to my car, I found a lovely present from LA Parking Enforcement. Grrrr! Parking is a nightmare here on Wednesdays and Thursdays: street cleaning. And yep, I know the rules. So, when I chose the action (or inaction in this case), I also chose the consequence. While I am irritated that my actions brought this additional financial burden upon me, I accept it as a path towards becoming a person of integrity. Because of the way I live my life today as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I will pay the ticket. And I will pay it on time.

I now patiently wait for St. Joseph’s day which falls on March 19th. A day to wear red and celebrate my Polish heritage. You bet your dupa I’m Polish!

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

What have I got to lose?

Some days I just really get so emotionally worn out. Take today for example.

I wasn’t able to make it to my usual support group at 6 because I couldn’t pee. (Yeah, there’s a story there, just not today.) I did the responsible thing and notified the facilitator that I would be coming to the 7 PM meeting instead. Rushing through downtown LA traffic to actually make good on that was harrowing enough without the committee working overtime in my brain over the pee thing. (Seriously, this is an issue which requires more time to explain than I have now.) I received a text message in transit that was upsetting. Potential bad news for a loved one. Sigh. “This is the last place I want to be” was my mantra as I walked to the meeting room. Ever feel like that?

WELL…person after person described in detail how hopeless they felt. So hopeless that using again seemed like a viable option. The monologue in my head was going something like this: "OMG! This is taking forever. Can we not move it along so we can just get out of here?" (Sound familiar?) At some point I stopped being self-obsessed and started actually listening. And to remember what it felt like to be there. To feel that desperation. To not be able to see a way out. To just say “screw it” and have a drink. It’s overwhelming.

When it came my time to share and the words started flowing, my gratitude over how much my life has changed in the past 2+ years hit me solidly. Things may not be the way I planned at this stage of my life, but they are far better than when I got here. And I never have to go back to living like that ever again.

I think one of the reasons I don’t drink is that I never want to have to stand up as a newcomer again. To admit I lost the time I accumulated in front of friends and loved ones would really suck. But what I need to remember, is, that the only way to lose is to end up in a body bag. So, I’ll keep coming back. Just one more time.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Stirred, not shaken.

Oh, I know the quote is “shaken, not stirred”, but in this case, for me, it’s the other way around. I woke at 4:05 AM to a 4.4 magnitude earthquake. Not unusual for Southern California. What is unique is the gratitude I feel …and why.

The obvious why is that with so many devastating earthquakes occurring worldwide, one cannot help feeling grateful to have survived. My heart continues to go out to those suffering in Haiti and Chile. This was just a little rock-n-roll, centered 10 miles from where I am. No life altering consequences for me or my friends. Plenty of opportunity for reflection though.

My blessings are of a different sort. The first two earthquakes that I experienced when I moved to Los Angeles 3 years ago were during the active phase of my alcoholism. I slept, or rather remained passed out, through the first, and the second became an instant drama with which I saw a way to glean sympathy from my family. By that time, though, my family had long since stopped paying any attention to my histrionics. I was an active fault-line in their lives prone to wreak havoc without any provocation whatsoever.

I have experienced many earthquakes since then. A jolt of electricity always ran through my mind and my body, giving way to fear, and yes, excitement. Today, though I was stirred from my slumber, I was not shaken. I was fully in the moment. My concern did not become a vessel to manufacture concern, pity, or attention from friends or family. Instead, I turned to prayers of thanks that this wasn’t “the big one” and prayers for those whose lives have been forever altered by acts of Mother Nature. I rejoice in God’s plan, though I have NO idea what that is. I have a faith today that can be stirred, but not shaken. I wish the same for all of my fellows.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

It's a beautiful life.

I bought flowers for myself today to celebrate.

Spring is definitely here.  There's a certain feel of the air.  It wraps itself around me like a comfortable, old blanket.  I love spring.  The sleepy world wakes slowly to coax hope from its hiding place.

I remember a day about 2 or 3 weeks ago when I saw my first hummingbird of the season.  It was early morning on my balcony.  As I watched him flitter from flower to flower, my hearing became more in tune with my surroundings.  The birds were singing beautifully.  I couldn't see many of them, but they were there nonetheless.

The first sign of spring used to be the appearance of the crocuses or tulips and the first sighting of a robin; the joy that maybe the snow was done for the next 8 or 9 months.  That was when I was living in the midwest.  I don't think I fully appreciated the stark contrast of seasons there.  In southern California, with year-round blooms, the seasons are more subtle.  Having lived here now for a full 3 years as of March 12th, I am learning the nuances.  Or maybe I am just more observant.  And filled with gratitude.

Spring also brings with it memories.  Memories, I now choose to embrace, like the coming of spring.  Definitely a gift of sobriety and developing a relationship with a Power greater than myself.

My flowers are on my bedside table where I can enjoy their fragrance; where I can be sure they are the last thing I see before I go to sleep and the first thing I see when I wake up.  Life is beautiful.  Isn't it?

Thank you for paying me a 12 step call.