My loose fitting garment.

Weekly meeting with Sponsor:

Agreement #1
Sponsor: You’re on a slippery slope. I’m worried about you.
Me: Me too.
Agreement #2
Me: My give-a-damn’s busted.
Sponsor: I see that. You’re not following direction.
Agreement #3
Me: I just don’t want to. I feel like a child.
Sponsor: You’re acting like a child.
Agreement #4
Sponsor: Not working isn’t helping. You’re going to have to suck it up and accept that you need to “be new” in a different area if you expect to make a living.
Me: I know and it scares the crap outta me.

It was only an hour long meeting, but Sponsor asked some really tough questions. For which I had no answers. At least none that I was willing to bring to my conscious thought. I felt like I was at day 1 all over again. We talked about my idle time. I don’t do well without structure. (Shocking!) We talked about my level of involvement in life, in general. My absolute apathy. She thinks while the unemployment is certainly an issue, it may be time to consider anti-depressants again. Sigh. I really don’t want to even think about going down that road—again. So, based on our Four Agreements, we came up with an outline for change. To reevaluate and adjust as necessary.

End result:
More meetings. (Specifically the Women’s meeting I did NOT go to on Monday.)
Call her every day.
We’re starting the book over next week.
Pursue, in earnest, 2 different areas of expertise in my career field and report back to her.
Hit my knees more often than I have…specifically…DOUBLE UP at least.

So far, I’m making good. I went to a new meeting at the church up the road from where I live. Literally took me 2 minutes to get there. It was a small meeting, older crowd. My insides must have been showing on the outside, because a woman came up, introduced herself, and asked if I was new. Well, hell…I feel like it.

It was nice to sit in a meeting feeling new and knowing no one. I was able to focus on the reason I was there, and really listen to the speaker. (Lo and behold, he was from Chicago. Can it get any stranger than that? I mean, I instantly felt “at home”.) He talked about wearing life like a loose fitting garment and how that relates to his 12th Step work. I found myself sharing his view and reevaluating a few interactions I’ve had with newcomers or returnees that were less than, um, encouraging (?). Both for them and for me and my primary purpose. I did a Google search on "wearing life like a loose fitting garment". I came up with quite an array of things. But I was also led to Irish Friend of Bill's post and really kinda dig it.

I’d like to say that after the events of the day that I have a new attitude and that things are going to start changing. I am going to start changing. Well, yeah…I’ve been here before. Truth is, I’ve got to get back to the basics.

I can’t. Someone else can. I guess I’ll let Him. Simple…1, 2, 3.

And now it’s time to hit my knees. Again.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

(Un)Comfort Zone

Most of the day was spent looking for jobs. Hours of scouring the “careers” tab on websites, setting up profiles, etc. The prospects are grim.

After 26 years in my field, you would think I could walk in, apply, and walk out with an offer. I think under normal circumstances, whatever they may be, I could do that. My field is always in need of experienced people. With the economy as it is, the fact that I have become highly specialized without the benefit of the advanced degrees required today, and the amends process to my profession in which I am participating, my options are limited to the level of what feels like a stranglehold.

The reality of having to switching specialties is becoming more and more plausible. And with that comes a tremendous amount of fear.

Which brings me to the question: How willing am I? Not very. Pride is a huge stumbling block right now.

When I think about my earliest days of sobriety, there was no question I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to end the pain. I didn’t even think about the future. In fact, I didn’t think at all. I just did. Whatever I was told. And had faith it would get better. And things started happening. Good things. Things I couldn’t bring myself to hope.

Maybe this will be the same. Swallow that lump of pride that’s acting like an albatross around my neck, and apply for positions out of my comfort zone, not as specialized, and not as “glamorous”. Just be willing to do what it takes, and have faith.

Willingness, huh? I guess this is just another area where I need to “practice these principles in all my affairs”.

Better get to work on that.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

When the light goes out.

What do you do when your favorite lamp quits working? Yes, I tried changing the light bulb and checking the breaker for the outlet. Nothing. The problem clearly lies within the wiring of the lamp itself. I’m handy with a lot of things around the house, but wiring is something for which I have a great deal of respect. And I don’t mess with it. My father was constantly repairing all things electrical. My ex-husband did as well. There were a few incidents that occurred as a result of incomplete or hurried repairs, and thankfully no one was hurt, but for the most part, I trusted that the power that ran though the wiring would do so without serious interruption to my comfort.

I have a few options here:
1) Do nothing and keep the lamp in the corner, as a purely decorative piece which serves no purpose other than as a reminder of what it once provided.
2) Have the lamp repaired which will require time and energy, knowing it is injured and at some point may become a danger to my well being.
3) Discard the lamp, mourn its loss, and replace it with a new lamp which, if chosen carefully, quite possibly will provide me with longer lasting enjoyment as well as be more complimentary to my current needs.

This lamp thing has me bugged. Not because it is broken, but because of the similarities between the options for resolution of the broken lamp and the options for resolution of broken relationships.

None of the options here are perfect. But a choice must be made. It’s not working anymore. And when something isn’t working anymore, we take action. Right? If repairs are made thoughtfully and with the help of others who have some experience, hopefully the changes that are made out of necessity will create only a tiny disturbance to my comfort. Discomfort with change is always a given in my life. But eventually I accept it and move on. Moving on is easy, what it leaves behind is difficult.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.