Back to the basics

I woke up this morning with dread. My first thought was “Why did I agree to facilitate that %@&! Big Book study at Fouse today?”. In the place I’m in lately, I just couldn’t come up with any valid reason (to me, at least) to do it. Blah, blah, blah. So I turned to my Daily Reflections and there was the answer.

As the 7 ladies retrieved their books from the shelves, I thought about how to proceed. After everyone was settled, I introduced myself and qualified briefly, then asked everyone to introduce themselves. I related to them how this was their group and often as I sat in the very chairs they were now in, I felt as if I didn’t count for much. We repeated the same things over and over, several times in a week, and my ideas for what to read next were seldom taken into account. I wanted this to be relevant to where they were today and how they were feeling. Most of them were pretty new and still feeling numb and didn’t have any suggestions. So I told them I had a Plan B in case this happened. They decided they would like to hear it. So I told them about my thoughts on wakening and read them the passage I had read earlier. I told them I’ve been struggling and not really following direction or living in the answers I found in the Big Book, so I needed to read Chapter 2, There Is A Solution. They loved that idea.

The next hour flew by. There was a lot of good discussion and relating to the Book and each other going on. I felt so much connection to the program and these women by the end and they invited me back. I’m on call, so to speak, to fill in for the regulars when they can’t honor their commitment for whatever reason, so I told them that I would love to help anytime I was given the opportunity. And I meant it.

I did follow through on attending the Women’s meeting tonight as Sponsor directed. She’ll be thrilled tomorrow at that, but even more so that I immediately introduced myself upon entering and picked up a few phone numbers. One of the women who directed me to sit next to her has a pretty extensive history in one of the fields I’m investigating in my career shift. She gave me a few ideas and offered to help me write a cover letter for my resume. I also ran into 3 women I know from other meetings and got their numbers as well. I outlined some of the difficulties I’ve been experiencing lately and found that again, I am not terminally unique.

So, though my basic physical situation hasn’t changed, I feel a change inside. A flicker of hope. And it’s as a direct result of putting my faith in Someone/Something other than me and just plain following direction. Whether I think I need to or not. I’m not the most objective person when it comes to knowing what I need. Huh.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Here comes the sun.

It’s amazing what a difference a day makes.

The shift in thinking. The feeling of being at ease. The acceptance of the right here and the right now.

My morning routine was somewhat disturbed by my alarm clock, but the benefit of watching the breathtaking morning sunrise was a gift. For the longest time after I was laid-off, I still awoke at 5 AM every day. It’s been only the past few weeks where I have “slept in” until 6:30 or 7:30. I made the decision to set my alarm as a commitment to attend the beach meeting. It gave me the time to pray and meditate, wash my face and brush my teeth (no need for a shower with the sand and salty air), fix my bed, brew coffee for my thermos, pack my beach bag, read some really great feedback and encouraging words from the blogging community, and glance at my email. Had I not set my alarm, I’m sure I would have come up with a thousand excuses not to go. It felt as if I had a purpose today. I liked that feeling.

I arrived 45 minutes early, set up my blanket, and got to the business of fellowship. The die-hards were there and immediately pulled me into conversation. They seem to have a 6th sense about things and show nothing but love and support when they’ve zeroed in on someone who appears to be struggling. I also got to talk with some people who don’t come there on a regular basis. These are people I’ve known my entire sobriety, but haven’t run into much in the past year. Our circumstances took us in different directions. In the 45 minutes prior to the meeting’s start, there was an instant, and natural feeling that I could exhale the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. I love this meeting. I love the surprises it holds. The meeting tripled in size due to the nicer weather, and it will only gain strength as the season progresses. I think I’ll keep setting my alarm on Sunday mornings. It’s a great way to start the week.

There was a school of about 8 dolphins playing in the surf. I noticed them during the 2 minute silent meditation. They remained just offshore for the entire meeting…an hour and a half. It’s odd they would stay so long. They usually meander south and around the point by the meeting’s midpoint. Today they went back and forth, directly in front of where the white flag was erected. The whole dolphin thing always excites me. Today more than usual.

The speaker was a young man of 28, who just celebrated his 9th Birthday. An amazing sober alcoholic whose focus is “right now”. I found my eyes turning to the dolphins throughout his share and the overwhelming fact that, for whatever reason, they were right here, right now. I doubt they were thinking about yesterday or planning tomorrow and beyond. This was their reality. And they were just fine.

I am here. Right here. Right now. Anything else is over and done with, or not yet happened. This is my reality. I'm just fine, too.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

My loose fitting garment.

Weekly meeting with Sponsor:

Agreement #1
Sponsor: You’re on a slippery slope. I’m worried about you.
Me: Me too.
Agreement #2
Me: My give-a-damn’s busted.
Sponsor: I see that. You’re not following direction.
Agreement #3
Me: I just don’t want to. I feel like a child.
Sponsor: You’re acting like a child.
Agreement #4
Sponsor: Not working isn’t helping. You’re going to have to suck it up and accept that you need to “be new” in a different area if you expect to make a living.
Me: I know and it scares the crap outta me.

It was only an hour long meeting, but Sponsor asked some really tough questions. For which I had no answers. At least none that I was willing to bring to my conscious thought. I felt like I was at day 1 all over again. We talked about my idle time. I don’t do well without structure. (Shocking!) We talked about my level of involvement in life, in general. My absolute apathy. She thinks while the unemployment is certainly an issue, it may be time to consider anti-depressants again. Sigh. I really don’t want to even think about going down that road—again. So, based on our Four Agreements, we came up with an outline for change. To reevaluate and adjust as necessary.

End result:
More meetings. (Specifically the Women’s meeting I did NOT go to on Monday.)
Call her every day.
We’re starting the book over next week.
Pursue, in earnest, 2 different areas of expertise in my career field and report back to her.
Hit my knees more often than I have…specifically…DOUBLE UP at least.

So far, I’m making good. I went to a new meeting at the church up the road from where I live. Literally took me 2 minutes to get there. It was a small meeting, older crowd. My insides must have been showing on the outside, because a woman came up, introduced herself, and asked if I was new. Well, hell…I feel like it.

It was nice to sit in a meeting feeling new and knowing no one. I was able to focus on the reason I was there, and really listen to the speaker. (Lo and behold, he was from Chicago. Can it get any stranger than that? I mean, I instantly felt “at home”.) He talked about wearing life like a loose fitting garment and how that relates to his 12th Step work. I found myself sharing his view and reevaluating a few interactions I’ve had with newcomers or returnees that were less than, um, encouraging (?). Both for them and for me and my primary purpose. I did a Google search on "wearing life like a loose fitting garment". I came up with quite an array of things. But I was also led to Irish Friend of Bill's post and really kinda dig it.

I’d like to say that after the events of the day that I have a new attitude and that things are going to start changing. I am going to start changing. Well, yeah…I’ve been here before. Truth is, I’ve got to get back to the basics.

I can’t. Someone else can. I guess I’ll let Him. Simple…1, 2, 3.

And now it’s time to hit my knees. Again.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

(Un)Comfort Zone

Most of the day was spent looking for jobs. Hours of scouring the “careers” tab on websites, setting up profiles, etc. The prospects are grim.

After 26 years in my field, you would think I could walk in, apply, and walk out with an offer. I think under normal circumstances, whatever they may be, I could do that. My field is always in need of experienced people. With the economy as it is, the fact that I have become highly specialized without the benefit of the advanced degrees required today, and the amends process to my profession in which I am participating, my options are limited to the level of what feels like a stranglehold.

The reality of having to switching specialties is becoming more and more plausible. And with that comes a tremendous amount of fear.

Which brings me to the question: How willing am I? Not very. Pride is a huge stumbling block right now.

When I think about my earliest days of sobriety, there was no question I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to end the pain. I didn’t even think about the future. In fact, I didn’t think at all. I just did. Whatever I was told. And had faith it would get better. And things started happening. Good things. Things I couldn’t bring myself to hope.

Maybe this will be the same. Swallow that lump of pride that’s acting like an albatross around my neck, and apply for positions out of my comfort zone, not as specialized, and not as “glamorous”. Just be willing to do what it takes, and have faith.

Willingness, huh? I guess this is just another area where I need to “practice these principles in all my affairs”.

Better get to work on that.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Reading is fundamental.

Tax day always brings anxiety. Throughout my married life, taxes were complicated. My wasbeen was self-employed, we owned rental property, and we had many deductions and nuances to our forms. I always let him prepare the taxes and he would end up waiting in line at the post office at midnight to have them postmarked appropriately. Glad those days are over. Nevertheless, as an alcoholic, I’ve done the unthinkable in the recent past, at least for a responsible adult. I’m taking action to correct that, and today, I placed those 2 envelopes in the postal worker’s hands. Go me! It’s at least a start.

It got me thinking about my school days and how much I hated math. I didn’t find much of it very practical. That is until I got into college classes for my chosen profession and realized how vital one simple formula would be for the rest of my career. And I just couldn’t get it. I spent hours one evening at my ex-boyfriend’s brother's house while he tried many ways to bring an understanding of this basic concept to me. I cried. And I ranted. And then he said: “breathe”. And I did. And then I got it. I wish he’d have been there throughout my entire school experience. His non-judgmental attitude and calming influence would have been helpful.

I was a mediocre student. Much of it was because I was lazy and a procrastinator. But a lot of it was because I hated reading. In grade school I had many humiliating experiences of attempting to read aloud as each student took a paragraph in the lesson. I stumbled over words and stuttered. The laughter was deafening. It made me shy away from studying the chapters necessary to pass the tests. This carried over to standardized tests. I always scored lowest in reading comprehension.

I felt shunned, belittled, ostracized by my classmates. And it definitely kept me from seeking out the company of those that laughed at me. I certainly didn't belong in their exclusive club.

I find that funny today. I’ve learned that most of those kids who had fun at my expense were hiding their own character defects. I'm grateful I've been able to uncover my shortcomings and that I get the opportunity to work to correct them. And I'm grateful that on occassion, I get to see my own faults in others, recognize how ugly they are, and step up my efforts to progress in my own recovery. Hopefully not at their expense.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

To save a life.

Friendly House
William Shatner dedicates 2nd home to Friendly House

Say Goodnight, Gracie

With the state of unrest that I have been experiencing over the last couple of weeks, tonight’s meeting could have been a disaster, because, after all, it’s always about me. Isn’t it?

Before the meeting, one of my very closest friends did something that hurt my feelings. He meant it as a joke, but I did not find it funny. I had previously discussed with him my need to set a little distance in some of my relationships where I was feeling smothered. He has been very understanding, giving me what I asked for…letting me take the lead. Because I have not been calling him every day, and because of my near miss last week, he leaned in to me and made a show of smelling me, particularly near my mouth. When we talked a little while later, I communicated how hurtful that was and asked him to, in the future, just ask if I had been drinking. He said he knew I hadn’t because I wouldn’t have shown up at the meeting if I had. Uh…I’m an alcoholic. No telling what I would do if I were drinking. I don’t know if he was joking or if there was some truth to his actions, and it’s not my place to argue with his motive or intention. I can only take his words at face value and let him know my feelings. I think we put it behind us. Only time will tell. I know he was coming from a place of love, but I need to do a little work surrounding my initial reaction. Definitely on the agenda to discuss with Sponsor tomorrow.

From there, things kind of piled up. I forgot to ask people to read the two customary readings prior to the start of the meeting, the timer did not show, the clean-up person did not show, and the ticket person did not show. Luckily people stepped up to the plate. As always.

The speaker was wonderful. He talked about becoming an orphan at the age of 41 with only 3 months clean. Since my father passed away when I was 10 months sober, I immediately felt relief. I always thought I was the only one who felt like an adult orphan. It just goes to show that there really isn’t anything unique about me.

During the speed sharing, my friend, D, who relapsed 2 weeks ago after 22 months, shared that he was going to “do this with as much grace and dignity” as he could. Wow, did that strike a nerve. Grace? Dignity? There has been nothing graceful or dignified about what’s going on with me lately. And then I remembered. In the first few weeks in the recovery home, (let’s call it Fouse) I had a meltdown. A serious meltdown. In my rambling during this period I was so incredibly self-deprecating. C was the first to comfort me. Her words? “No one said you had to do this gracefully.” ZING!!!

So, though it was truly not a burning desire, since I am secretary and follow the last share, I identified and told this story for D, for C, for the newcomer, and yes, for me.

So what could have been a disaster was actually a success.
1) I was able to address and avoid a resentment almost immediately,
2) A bunch of alcoholics were flexible and pitched in,
3) Someone who really struggles, got to participate by volunteering to read,
4) I didn’t take the absenteeism personally,
5) I was reminded that I am not terminally unique,
6) I got the message and passed it on,
7) I stayed sober another day.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.