Drama

There’s always something. Some drama, our own or others, that lures us. What I find, more often than not, is that most of my dramas are not my own. The fact that I can recognize this today is nothing short of a miracle. The women’s meeting I attend is always a place that provides ample opportunity to test my theory. Tonight was especially “busy”.

Once upon a time, as a resident of this recovery home, I was embroiled in every minute drama. Hell yes, everything effected me. This was my home! Little by little, my sponsor helped me to weed through what was truly a concern for me, and what was manufactured misery. She taught me how to separate facts from the diversions I created to occupy my mind and avoid my issues. With that came the leveling of my ego. And growth. As time passes, I find myself less and less emotionally attached to the politics of recovery home life. The faces are different. The routines have somewhat changed. But what remains is that I am NOT the center of the universe.

Tonight, as I watched and listened, I felt myself drawn in to the drama. It was a carry-over from an incident last week that truly did not involve me. I was only asked to be a content expert involving a laboratory report. When I was asked to help, I was only too happy to be of service. But there was this feeling in the pit of my stomach. That “Witch Hunt” feeling. “Be of service, nothing more” was something I had to keep repeating to myself. As M would say, “Be Switzerland”. I repeated that to myself more than once this evening and it allowed me to keep my side of the street clean.

Another opportunity presented itself tonight to practice yet another basic principle I can easily push to the side. Again, we all love the drama and need to be in the know. I am certainly no different. This is fertile ground for gossip and character assassination. Too many suppositions, too many elements to opine. A question I learned to ask myself early in my sobriety was “is this my story to tell?” I don’t remember where I heard it. I’d like to take credit myself, but I was so without original thought when I got here, that I’m sure someone, somewhere, put that idea in my head. It just happen to stick.

Original thought. Hmmm. I feel as if I haven’t had one today. And that can be a good thing considering where it can get me, even on a good day. Thank God for the platitudes, original or not. They made my 10th step easier this evening.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Don't EVEN go there!

While I was making my bed this morning (something I did NOT do for many years), I knocked over one of the crystal chicks that sit on my bedside table. I bought the set of Mama and 3 chicks for my mother’s collection many years ago to represent me and my 3 children. (Why I did not search for a Papa to add to the set to include my then-husband is an area of my subconscious I have yet to explore.) Once certain items were returned to the original “givers”, Mom’s collections of crystal figurines and Hummels were distributed evenly among her children after she passed away, which is how I have them now. As I righted the chick, my brain was immediately filled with superstition. Which of my chicks was in trouble?

Though my first inclination was to call each of them to find out if they were “okay”, I refrained. (That is what I would have done in years past to bring my “amazing mother’s love and intuition” to their attention. Oh, the drama!) Instead, I pushed the thought out of my mind. I do not like the tremendous pain I feel over their physical absence in my life. I do not like to visit the sad memories of how my active disease led to them moving far away from me to live with their father. I do not like to dwell in the wreckage I have caused in their lives. Yet I know I must.

In working Step 8 and Step 9, I chose originally to start with my children: the 3 people to which I believe I owe my biggest and most difficult amends. I am relying on my Step 4 inventory as an outline for the amends. It is an emotionally overwhelming undertaking to again be assaulted by my own actions. I thought once I did Step 5, I was home free. Sigh. Alas I was wrong. (You old timers can stop laughing at me anytime now. My sponsor has already done so for that statement!) I am reminded of the following quote, taken from page 49 of the 12 & 12: “Pride says ‘You need not pass this way,’ and Fear says, ‘You dare not look!’” In my humble opinion, this goes for Step 8 and Step 9 as well.

My sponsor suggested that I get a few less difficult amends under my belt before attempting amends to my children (WHEW!) and concentrate on remaining a responsible, consistent presence in their lives; even if from a distance. I trust her wisdom and experience though I am impatient and just want it done. Not an alcoholic characteristic at all, is it?

My brain has been busy this week. I am exhausted. But a very good friend, and fellow alcoholic, told me that step work done thoroughly is indeed exhausting. If my level of emotional fatigue is any indication, my work is solid.

Making my bed every morning and righting a chick serve as very important reminders to me.
1. New habits can be learned and enjoyed.
2. Righting things immediately helps to eliminate future chaos and fear. (Sounds suspiciously like Step 10)
3. I am not the person I was a little over 2 years ago that thrived on manufactured drama.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.