Getting back into the swing of things.

(The photo is for my sister. Let's see if she notices.)


The day was quiet. I did what was in front of me.

I got out of the house early and headed to Target to pick up a few things I’ve been doing without lately. A few essentials, and a few things, inexpensive, but not so essential. I didn’t go crazy…I can’t afford it.

Later this morning, I forced myself to complete some paperwork that is due in Sacramento by the 10th. I’ll have to pay extra in postage to make sure that happens. Unfortunately that’s the consequence of THAT particular character defect, but at least I care enough to make those arrangements. It wasn’t long ago that I would just drop it in the mailbox on the corner and then make up excuses, probably blaming the USPS for my procrastination.

I also responded, by phone, to an email from a potential employer with whom I placed an application for employment last week before I flew home. Initially, I was going to reply by email, but I decided the direct approach was more professional. As it turns out, I was able to secure a telephone interview for tomorrow morning. It’s quite a change from my area of expertise, but I am willing to learn a new area if that is what my HP has in store for me. And if this process of responding to an email and following through with the interview is just a learning experience, in and of itself, then that is what it will be. Everything is as it should be as long as I just do what’s in front of me to the best of my ability.

It felt wonderful to be back at my Wednesday night meeting. The love and support that was offered felt so comforting. Many of the group knew of my recent difficulties, a few did not. I did share from the podium about my illness and FW’s passing and how numb I feel right now. It felt incredibly healing to give the wonderful men in that room who have been with me since day one through EVERYTHING, an opportunity to be my anchors. As usual, they stepped up to the plate and I felt safe crying in their arms. We fellowshipped following the meeting, though I wasn’t hungry or in the mood. Being able to listen and respond to others’ interests came a little easier today than in the past couple of weeks, yet my heart was still not fully present. At least I made the effort by accepting the invitation and staying a respectable length of time. And as a bonus, I have leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

I just realized that I am making progress with some of my more glaring character defects just through my behaviors today.

I guess it does work, as long as I’m willing to do the work.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

God, grant me...

I feel like a Zombie, just going through the motions. And I guess that will have to do for now.

I am grateful that I did not come home to an empty house. My roommates have been so kind and loving. I think I need the support they can offer by the mere fact that they are not connected to my family unit. I don’t mean that in any negative sense to my family. It just allows me to accept support without having to give it in return. It takes care of “me”. I also indulged in a few, long overdue, self-care activities today. Again, accepting sympathies from people I know very peripherally. It felt healing.

Tomorrow I get back to the business of taking care of life. Health and career top the list. Somewhere I will find the strength to do what is in front of me. HP will provide that strength, I am positive.

Tonight I will turn to prayer and meditation. The answers will come.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Much needed downtime.

I still feel so disjointed. For the first time ever, since I have been flying non-revenue with SC’s buddy passes, I did not make the flight which I originally selected. It’s no big deal. I’m in no rush to get home. I’m just grateful I have a sister who loves and supports me, and shares her buddy passes freely. And I’m grateful Navy son is tech savvy enough to have set up my laptop to get an internet connection via my phone so that I have something to do while I wait here, and possibly again in Tucson. Again, that would be no big deal. The trip out here was a whirlwind and I didn’t have time to just “be”. Maybe this is HP’s way of slowin’ it (me) down. Though I am in the middle of a crowded airport terminal, I get the chance to be “alone” with my thoughts and feelings for the first time since I landed on Wednesday.

I’m not sure the realization of this whole nightmare has hit me yet. It is much more real for FW’s wife and children, and for the family and friends who had him physically present in their daily lives. I know that when the reality hits, that I have a support group in the fellowship to help me every step of the way. For that I am truly blessed.

So as I sit here and try to pass the time, I also try to process the interpersonal dynamics of the past several days. It’s amazing to have been sober and clear headed through this. And there is a lot to discuss and process with sponsor and friends. I’m not certain how quickly I will be able to do that. I may need just a day or so to lock myself up and cry. Or I might not.

Guess I’ll just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

Exhausted

It has been a very long day. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

It amazes me how many conflicting emotions can co-exist. What amazes me more is that I am able to experience these emotions without the aid of alcohol. I am fully present in mind, body and spirit to support my loved ones and honor FW.

I thank those of you that have kept my family and me in your prayers, and those of you who have sent me private messages. Though I have not had time to read your posts or respond to your words of encouragement, please know that they comfort me beyond that which words can convey. You are an important part of my recovery and I am grateful to have you "with" me as I trudge this road.

Tomorrow (actually today, as it is well after midnight CST as I type,) will again be a long day as we lay FW's earthly form to rest. When the day winds down, I will no doubt put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. There is much of this sober experience that is waiting patiently inside of me to be brought out into the light of hope. I wish to share that with you.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

At rest.

God saw you getting tired,
And a cure was not to be.
So he put his arms around you,
And whispered “Come to me”.

With tearful eyes we watched you,
And saw you pass away.
Although we loved you dearly,
We could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard working hands to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.

By Therese Pearman

Kilroy Was Here

BP meds and side effects are stabilizing as much as they can under the current circumstances. I flew home to Chicago yesterday for a family emergency that I learned of late Tuesday evening.

I am grateful that I can be fully present for my family, even in my grief. We were mutually supportive and loving as we said goodbye last night to my oldest brother, FW.

The gathering at the hospital yesterday was surreal. I don’t think the reality of it all has truly set in, at least for me. And I have those feelings of having to be strong for those around me that make me wonder about how safe I feel with expression of true emotion. It will take time, I know. I must remember to nurture myself first through this.

Dinner at Kilroy's last night was weird. Everyone was drinking. I never thought about it once. This restaurant/bar was a favorite hangout for the family and a place where my brother once “bounced”. It seemed appropriate. And for the first time, I had the opportunity to be DD. That felt strange. Driving BB (Baby Brother) to safety in his newly “amped” pickup. Not only did he trust me (only one of two people who have experienced this privilege) with his truck, he trusted me with his life.

Organ procurement takes place today. The Gift of Hope. Even in death, FW is a good man.

My children will arrive soon. My son, today or tomorrow, and my girls on Friday. I think having them together for the first time since my Father’s funeral in October of 2008 may be emotional, but I’m trying not to worry about it too much. I have seen Son several times since then; I have not been as blessed concerning the girls. I’m still processing these feelings. It’s heart wrenching to think I may only see them under sad circumstances. But, alas, I cannot predict the future. I can only deal with what’s in front of me and try to just “be” instead of make up for lost time or undo the past.

Right now, it’s time for coffee and conversation at the Ponderosa with BB, SC (older sister), and BILM (her husband). Enjoying each other’s company and taking it just one step at a time.

Goodbye FW. You are a good man. I love you.

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.

I don't like being a patient.

Doctor said to give it another week or so. These side effects are twofold. The adjustment of my physiological symptoms back to “normal” is not yet complete, and my body has been compensating for a far longer period of time than it has been allowed to “rest”. I’m really kind of pleased he has a working knowledge of the alcoholic mind and knows how to settle me down. He says things like “trust the process” and “you didn’t get this way overnight so it’s going to take a little time” and “remember how you felt when you were newly sober, this is like that”. Then there are times it irks me that he knows so much about the alcoholic mind. My mind. I can’t bullshit him.

Again, this all comes back to acceptance, faith, and surrender, I think. Steps 1, 2, and 3. I just have to apply it differently. I spoke with Sponsor earlier about this very issue.

As a medical professional, I have just enough information to be dangerous to myself. (Self-will) I have a hard time accepting that I just can’t control what’s going on with my aging body. Oh, there are certain things I could be doing differently to improve the process and not exacerbate those things to which I am genetically predisposed. I just don’t. (More self-will) Little to no physical activity, an exclusively caffeine liquid intake, poor diet, and smoking can only lead me down one road. By placing myself in this position through much of my own action, or inaction, I am ignoring the consequences. And persisting in this way of life in spite of them. And adding to the unmanageability. (I can’t.)

Doctor is specially trained to deal with these issues; I am not. He has years of experience with countless drugs and patients; I have read a few things about this particular drug. I may know how my body feels right now; he knows how it will feel later. He knows what my options are now and later; I have tunnel vision focusing on my limitations. He is objective; I am self serving. (Someone else can.)

So based on all that I don’t know, I’m going to have to put my faith in Doctor. I’ll have to ask questions, listen to the answers, and follow his direction. In addition, I’ll have to put my ego aside and be honest with him about my progress. (I think I’ll let him.)

What comes next is hopefully a better enjoyment of life if I am honest, open-minded and willing. I know through practicing the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous as it relates to the disease of alcoholism that I can recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Why not give this a shot too?

Thank you for paying me a 12 Step call.